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Time Stands Still

“The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days and days…”

Matchbox 20 – 3am

Since the reality of our world changed almost 3 months ago now, I (like everyone it seems) have been stuck in the same impalpable spot in my life. No motivation, or desire, or thought of advancing myself. But i’ve also an urge to start new things, new hobbies, new projects, get to the things I’ve been putting off. Although, soon after the desire hits, I don’t want to do them because they don’t get me out of the spot – they just remind me that the spot is here – stuck – with no way out. Every day is the same as the one before, and it will be the same as the one after. And every hour seems the same as those that pass so faithfully. In essence, the clock is stuck and it’s hard to know what’s moving, if anything.

Writing has been one of those things that has been nagging at me to do, but then I haven’t wanted to do, either. As I mentioned before, I have been doing freelance blogging for a medical magazine, so it’s more motivating to write for them when there is a paycheque attached, so that has taken precedence. I have recently started figuring out how to dictate my thoughts, since ideas for writing come at inopportune times and when I am finally at my desk, the idea has passed or the passion for the idea has waned. Today I am sitting down with a commitment to get back to writing for me – not for pay, not for someone else, but for me. I don’t want to offer excuses, but I used to do much of my blogging during my breaks at work and since I haven’t been “at work” for the pat 3 months, I’ve had a hard time carving out the time in my new immobile schedule to do it.

There are time where we need some kind of spark of light along a path so that we know we’re on the right track. Recently, for reasons completely unrelated to my motivation or my efforts to change my situation, I had a virtual meeting with a woman who has launched my mental chatter to a whole new level. The topic of our meeting was along the lines of how I, as a health care provider during the time of Covid-19, am coping and managing, and continuing to live my life. She was doing some reconnaissance work for a talk she is giving at an upcoming conference and I volunteered to be interviewed. We discussed, briefly, the topic at hand. However, our conversation quickly took its own tangential direction down a path of connection, mutual vulnerability, and with a focus on resilience. It was powerful for me. She was passionate about her work and she showed that passion excitedly. Yet, she was enthusiastically enamoured with the answers I had to her scripted questions, which led to more excitement over what I had to say about my life, what I was interested in, and where I wanted to go even though I felt there was no path to follow. Our conversation took on a life of it’s own and while it ended sometime last week, her words have stuck with me and have disturbed my rather lackluster status-quo.

My goal is to write more. I know that sounds like the opposite of a goal – but it will evolve. I won’t say every day, because that is not where I’m at now. But, hopefully every few days there will be something.

I have, for a while, been pushing the boundaries of anonymity on my blog – that is to say that I’ve shared my blog with people I know and they know who I am and what I am about. Reaching back to where my blog started, I can say that breaking down the walls of anonymity here is a monumental milestone, both mentally and emotionally. I am, slowly, moving towards an openness and acceptance of who I am, where I’ve come from, and what I have to say. I want to completely, wholeheartedly OWN my experiences an I can’t do that anonymously. However, in my life I am considered a professional and it remains important to maintain this professionalism; because even though it shouldn’t matter what I do in my personal life, there is always a movable and fuzzy grey line that delineates professionalism in my field. For now I will keep my authorship on this blog anonymous, but i assure you that as my readership grows, my identify won’t be so hidden.

As I embrace this change in direction, I will allow myself to publish my blogs that were previously published by the medical magazine for which I write (after their copyright period has ended). These will be sprinkled throughout my writing and will provide a link between my two worlds. I think my end game here is to find a balance and the right combination of my personal elements and ambitions to further myself the way I have always intended. So let me get started…

“… But outside, it’s stopped raining”

Matchbox 20 – 3am

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