Today was a very difficult day, mentally and emotionally. Studying was a challenge and not enough got done. Interactions with certain people were overwhelming. I cried… multiple times.
I have been struggling with an issue that I don’t understand. I feel as though I am the victim of a nonsense, incomprehensible crime. No matter what angle I look at it from, or which person I talk to about it, it never make sense. I never feel soothed. It never comes together.
I want to run away from this problem, but it means running away from my life. It means abandoning everything I’ve worked hard for up until now. Most notably, it means succumbing to fear and shame.
There is a possibility that I am seeing this all wrong. Perhaps I’m not a victim of a senseless crime but rather a criminal who lacks insight into their behaviours. While that option still makes no sense to me, I can’t completely discount it. This possibility is scary. It’s something I don’t want to accept (and who would want to accept being the problem?).
I could have run away. I could have continued to let the anger eat away at me. I could still be consumed by it far in the future. But I won’t be doing any of those things. Instead, I gathered the courage to face the truth. Or at least attempt to face the truth.
I sent a difficult email asking a difficult question to which I don’t know if I want the answer. First I didn’t want to send it, so I just wrote stuff down to get it out of my head. Then I went ahead and wrote the receivers in the address box. Then after staring at the words for what seemed like an eternity, I pressed send.
I’m still not sure I want the answer. But any answer is better than not knowing the truth. I am grateful that today, rather than hiding, I got up the courage to face the thing I most fear.
I don’t want to be fearful of the truth. And, maybe I don’t want to actually believe that what I suspect is actually the truth. I’m not even sure that makes sense. But, strength and willingness to face your fears is always better than cowardice and anger. I have to believe that.
Today, I am grateful for courage: I am the Wo-Man in the Arena.
Tomorrow I might be battered… and I might not be so grateful for the results of my strength. Only time will tell.