Still Waiting

“Honey, you are way too stressed out about getting pregnant.  I thought this time we were just going to be relaxed and take it as it comes?”

“Yeah, I know I said that, but before it was so quick and easy.  I’m really tying hard to not be so anxious about the things that are out of my control, but it’s not as easy as it seems.”

“I think the problem is that we aren’t having enough sex.” (of course he would say that)

“It doesn’t help that I spend my entire day at work interacting with pregnant women and delivering babies.  It’s hard to not think about it.”

As you may have guessed, I go the absolute definitive negative pregnancy test this morning, and it was nothing but disappointing.  I know this is me actin somewhat spoiled or entitled – I know many women are not as lucky as I have been in the past, basically just thinking about pregnancy and then being pregnant.

At least the one thing disappointment is good for in this case is reminding me that this is something that I really do want.  Ever since going back to work, I have found myself wondering if it’s something that I really want.  Do I want all that exhaustion, nausea, weight gain, etc. while trying to work as hard as I do?  Maybe it’s not the ideal time, but it has never been the ideal time for me, even the last two times.  I guess no one ever wants the bad side effects that come with pregnancy, but after two months of disappointment, I am becoming more and more sure that I do want that third baby… and it definitely won’t come without those challenges that I’m not looking forward to.