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Always Doubt

Last week, on the day before I ran my half marathon, I was called off the cancellation list to have my IUD removed in the operating room.  The mental and physical challenges associated with the timing of the procedure in relation to the half marathon were in a field of their own; I was already worried about my ability to complete the race given my lack of training and confidence. Add a minor “surgical procedure” in the preceding 24 hours, and I was certain it would be a disaster. Thankfully, the run went off amazingly, despite the extra setback.

The doubt, however, has not disappeared. Now there is this whole new consideration about my waiting and ready uterus.  Over the month that it took to have the IUD removed (both failed office attempts plus the waiting time in between), I was never 100% certain that I was making the right decision by having it removed.  Now that it is out, I am continuing to have mixed emotions, along with increasing anxiety.

I have always wanted 3 kids.  Always.

But my last pregnancy was hard – very hard, and I didn’t even have the physical demands that I have now.  I had numerous health challenges that made it difficult to stay active and stave off an enormous 50 pound weight gain.  I had relentless nausea for the entirety of both previous pregnancies, and for a person with emetophobia, the thought of doing something to myself that will definitely make me more nauseous that I already am, well that just plain anxiety provoking.  And if all of that isn’t enough to worry about, one of the complications I had in my last pregnancy was Cholestasis of Pregnancy.  This condition comes with a 60-70% recurrence rate in subsequent pregnancies and brings with it a (slightly but significantly) increased risk for sudden and unexplained stillbirth late in pregnancy.  That thought, in itself, is quite terrifying.

I realize I am worrying about everything that I have no control over if I were to get pregnant.  Not to mention that all these worries are about the pregnancy itself and not with what it means after the baby is here.  I have thought a little about how having a third baby would affect my life post pregnancy, but to be completely honest, I’m not as worried about that as I am about the pregnancy itself.

With all of that on my mind, I can’t help but feel anxious and uncertain about whether I am doing the right thing.  One thing I can say though, is that last weekend when I was running through the mountains and enjoying what I love best about nature, I was having some beautiful daydreams about welcoming a new little person into my life.

6 thoughts on “Always Doubt

  1. Your pregnancies sound as if you have good reason to be anxious about doing it again. Wish I could ease your anxiety in some way, but unfortunately, I don’t have any easy solutions for you.
    Some years ago, I had good reason to be very anxious about my eldest son, but my worrying wasn’t changing anything but how I felt, so I tried visualising positive outcomes for his problems. It was difficult to bring on those positive images at first, but with practice and perseverance, it worked well at getting me through the scariest times. But the biggest ‘ah ha’ moment, was the discovery that my imagination thinks of things far worse than even the worst that really happened. Perhaps try imagining a healthy pregnancy as well as the healthy new baby. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks, Juli, you’re right! I do need to work more on positive images. I think it’s hard, especially with the cholestatsis art because I have seen so many women with so many complications in pregnancy that it’s hard to not let those predominate!

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      1. I understand totally. Unfortunately, we can’t control everything, but what is most important to remember is that your worrying won’t make anything better.
        It’s not easy to change lifetime habits, but it can be done. Find some words or images that stop the negative, worrying thoughts from driving you crazy. Another one I use is to say an affirmation, such as ‘I will be well cared for’, over and over again to shut out the anxiety. Make it something that you know is true. I’m sure you have the knowledge and awareness to be alert to any complications that may arise, and you will also have a say in your care.
        It’s really a tough call when problems are what you deal with on a day to day basis, but I still hope you can find some way to ease your worries.

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  2. I am right here with you on this! My situation isn’t exactly the same, but I’m very anxious about having a third baby. I’ve always wanted three as well, and my husband and I have always said we’ll have two or three. Well after #2, my husband told me he wanted to be done. I was crushed, I felt like part of my soul was being ripped apart, but I eventually completely surrendered the idea of having a third baby. My kids are nearly 3.5 years and 17 months, and I finally started getting used to the idea of moving out of the baby stage and focusing more on myself. And then a few months ago my husband told me he wants a third. WHAT??? It totally threw me off, since I had accepted and was HAPPY with my two. If we have a third, I’d like to have it sooner rather than later just so I can do some things with my life that I’ve been putting on hold. So we tried this last month, we’ll see what happens.

    I am definitely SCARED out of my mind though. When I just had one baby, I knew that of course I would want him to have a sibling. But now that I have two, life seems great. And I worry that we’ll be making things completely chaotic. But then another part of me knows that now is the time to complete our family, and if I don’t have a third I may really regret it down the road when it’s too late. AGH!!!

    Keep us posted on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That story sounds a lot like mine – my husband didn’t even want to have a second baby and he was definitely done once E. was born. But then he changed his mind and I’ve been the one resisting… until now.
      Keep me posted on how it goes for you! I am also super nervous about what will happen in the coming months.

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