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I Know What I Said

I told myself that I was leaving certain things behind in 2014.  The biggest “thing” I was (trying) to leave behind was everything that happened with K.  I have been moving on without her and I have been surviving more and more each day.  However, that doesn’t mean I don’t think of her often.  To be honest, there was a part of me (maybe bigger than I thought) that believed that she would come around and realize that she was too harsh, or that this whole thing wasn’t really about me in the first place.  Maybe that’s why it’s been easier than I thought to move forward without her.

I would have figured that two months was a lot of time for any kind of change-of-heart to happen.  January comes, everyone makes new goals and resolutions, things start over, and people take time to think things over.  And still, there’s been nothing.  How can I not feel like she is relieved to have me out of her life?  How can someone go this long without recognizing that they hurt someone who was once (and not so long ago) a very dear friend (supposedly).  How can she have no regrets?

This week is her birthday – and that’s why she’s been on my mind more than usual.  I resisted the urge to send her a birthday card, even a simple one that said the bare minimum.  I hate that I can’t.  I hate that I still want to.  What does it say about me that I still think and care about someone who hurt me so badly?  Why do I even want to worry about someone who resented how much I was “trying” to be her friend.

I know i said I was leaving her in the past, but I can’t seem to completely let her go.  Days pass where I think about sending out that olive branch – but I never do.  Other days I wonder why I even care.  I ask myself, “why not?  Who cares?” Am I worried about more hurt from another rejection, or am I worried that it would still be seen as “trying too hard?”  Why would I even put myself in that position in the first place?

Maybe it’s because the window of possible regret has passed – and I’m realizing that it’s really “real.”  Maybe it’s because it’s her birthday.  Maybe it’s because I still miss many of the things that she represented for me.  I’m sure it’s a combination of all that, and more.

I’m still leaving her behind.  I’m not going to do anything; I’m promising myself that.  But despite my best efforts, I still can’t completely stop “trying to be her friend.”

16 thoughts on “I Know What I Said

  1. I am three years post break-up with my 20+ year friend and I still find it hard. She is on my mind far more than I care to admit and I feel weak about it. I know we are both better off without each other but sometimes in a fantasy land I wonder if we could have patched things up. Then reality bites me in the ass and I realize it was the right thing to do. These things take time.

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    1. I had a break-up with a friend from jr/high school and we were inseparable. When we had the break-up it was mutual because I was upset with her for something and she was upset with me for thinking my thing was a problem. Either way, we tried to patch it up a few years later but it just wasn’t the same. I still think about her sometimes, but never in a way like I miss her and I wish we could still be friends.
      This is so different – it was completely one-sided with little (or non-sensical) understanding of what went wrong. I think I will struggle with this for a long time because I’ll never know what I could have done differently.

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        1. Did she ever try to reach out to you? Did you ever think of going back to her and trying to sort out the things that were miscommunicated? I wonder if she feels like she can’t come back to talk to me about it.

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  2. “I hate that I still want to. What does it say about me that I still think and care about someone who hurt me so badly? ”

    It says that you are a better person, who isn’t able to treat people like that, even if they do that to you. That’s a lesson I learned with my family; it would be so much easier to be just as snotty back to them, but I’m not…because I am not them.

    ((hugs))

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      1. Trust me, I know that. It hurts now, for sure, and it will some in the future but better that than be heartless. Which we know you aren’t because of how you feel and how it plays into your profession.

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  3. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I have also been in this position, and years after the event, that (ex)friend is still often on my mind. I think the way you feel shows you care about people, whereas those who eliminate others from their lives are self-absorbed – they really only care about themselves.

    My friend did eventually apologise to me, but each time I considered fully accepting her back in my life, I realised that something really important to any friendship had been damaged – trust. I know she wants us to be the friends we were a long time ago, but I know I couldn’t be that for her now, because she was dishonest with me and my children. I accepted her Facebook friend request, so we are connected now, but I’d never be happy to invite her back into my
    home.

    I believe you’re making the right choices, and it’s okay to still think about her.

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  4. 2 years ago my best friend of 30 years told me she loved me and that I was the best friend she’d ever had. Then, she completely cut me out of her life. Inexplicably. It has been so difficult to try to unravel her from my life when she was such a central part of it for three decades: https://consciouscacophony.wordpress.com/2013/11/26/unravel/

    I still think of her often, mourn the loss of that friendship, and probably most of all, drive myself crazy looking for the WHY…the explanation that could help me make sense of it. Not knowing is a killer….and I sense from what you say about K that this is part of what torments you as well….wondering about what really happened or if/how things could have been different. All this to say, Gennie, I understand how painful it is to have someone else arbitrarily make the choice for you….to end a friendship you did not want to leave behind. I’m so sorry that you are struggling through this too, but maybe it will bring some comfort to know you are not alone!

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    1. Thank-you C.C. I almost cringed a little with this comment because it happened almost exactly the same way for me. Not even two weeks before she started pulling away, she told me that I was the most inspired and inspiring person that she knew and that I could never know much much my friendship means to her. Funny (in a sad way).

      I can’t imagine how difficult it has been for you – I only had K in my life for 5 years and we were only really close for that last year. To lose someone like that after 30 years… I can’t imagine. You’re right though. They “why?” is the worst part.

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