I told myself that I was leaving certain things behind in 2014. The biggest “thing” I was (trying) to leave behind was everything that happened with K. I have been moving on without her and I have been surviving more and more each day. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t think of her often. To be honest, there was a part of me (maybe bigger than I thought) that believed that she would come around and realize that she was too harsh, or that this whole thing wasn’t really about me in the first place. Maybe that’s why it’s been easier than I thought to move forward without her.
I would have figured that two months was a lot of time for any kind of change-of-heart to happen. January comes, everyone makes new goals and resolutions, things start over, and people take time to think things over. And still, there’s been nothing. How can I not feel like she is relieved to have me out of her life? How can someone go this long without recognizing that they hurt someone who was once (and not so long ago) a very dear friend (supposedly). How can she have no regrets?
This week is her birthday – and that’s why she’s been on my mind more than usual. I resisted the urge to send her a birthday card, even a simple one that said the bare minimum. I hate that I can’t. I hate that I still want to. What does it say about me that I still think and care about someone who hurt me so badly? Why do I even want to worry about someone who resented how much I was “trying” to be her friend.
I know i said I was leaving her in the past, but I can’t seem to completely let her go. Days pass where I think about sending out that olive branch – but I never do. Other days I wonder why I even care. I ask myself, “why not? Who cares?” Am I worried about more hurt from another rejection, or am I worried that it would still be seen as “trying too hard?” Why would I even put myself in that position in the first place?
Maybe it’s because the window of possible regret has passed – and I’m realizing that it’s really “real.” Maybe it’s because it’s her birthday. Maybe it’s because I still miss many of the things that she represented for me. I’m sure it’s a combination of all that, and more.
I’m still leaving her behind. I’m not going to do anything; I’m promising myself that. But despite my best efforts, I still can’t completely stop “trying to be her friend.”