When this gift showed up my on doorstep yesterday, I didn’t know what to do with it. I was expecting to get this last Stridebox (out of 6) in December, but it never came. A 6-month “subscription” to the Stridebox was a graduation/moving gift given to me by K. I got the first one in July, and they came every month thereafter. She ordered them for herself as well, and whenever we got them, we would talk about the stuff that came in them. I wasn’t sure if she had ordered them each month, or if it was a pre-paid thing, but when I didn’t get the 6th box in December, I thought that maybe it was something she did every month and then she didn’t do it in December.
I was not expecting to get one this month. I didn’t want to get one this month. I have been trying very hard to keep K where she belongs – in 2014. I would be lying if I said that I’ve kept her off my mind. However, I feel that I have been doing a relatively good job of letting thoughts and memories of her float through the river of my mind without stopping them to dwell on and overthink them. It’s been hard, but I’m not going to mourn.
I stared at this box for a long time without knowing if I wanted to open it or not. I know it’s just filled with drink mix and power bar samples, and some other little running trinkets. But it’s the fact that it is a gift that was given to me by a person, who at one time thought I was a meaningful and important person in her life. I looked ver my options:
1. Keep it and leave it at that. It was meant for me, and who cares about the origins or the emotional implications behind it.
2. Keep it and send a simple, “Thank-you,” to her (because I was taught to always thank people for the things they give you).
3. Don’t keep it – give it away or throw it away. It’s something that she probably wouldn’t have sent me if she had the choice (if she paid upfront 6 months ago).
4. Don’t open it and send it back to her without a single word.
5. Send it back to her – opened or unopened – with a note saying that I don’t feel right accepting the gift from her (because I don’t).
I spent a long time thinking about it… Until husband came home and ripped into it (he is an avid runner as well and enjoys seeing what’s in the box every month). “I’m surprised you haven’t opened it yet,” he said as he took everything out of the box.
“Well, honey, it’s kind of bittersweet – I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open it.”
He then felt bad for opening it and placed everything back in the box.
I really don’t know what I want to do with it. I’m leaning towards option 2 and 5, with 1 close behind (I would always feel that I should say thank-you, though), and I guess 4 is not an option anymore. Contacting her and acknowledging that I received the box is what is comfortable, but it also means that I’m the one to break the silence. It feels weak, but not saying something feels wrong. I am lost. So as I decide what do to with it, it sits in the corner of my closet, opened but not explored.
Any thoughts on what I should do? Please help me out…