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The Last Letter

Dear K,

On this last day of this year, I will write this last letter to you.  I am leaving you here, in what will soon be the past, and tomorrow I will move ahead without you.

I have spent the last month hoping that something would change and I would hear from you again.  I waited longingly for some sort of apology, or admission of guilt, or explanation for your sudden change of heart.  I mourned for so many things I lost all at once: A good friend, a great mentor, a motivating fitness buddy, and a relationship that would hold strong for years to come.  In between moments of mourning, I have had flashes of clarity – the truth shining through the torment – that suggested to me that you were never really any of these things in my life.  You were those things because I made you those things. 

I admired you for the day I met you – but I didn’t know anything about you.  I sought you out because you represented something to me that I needed and that I wanted, and so I made you into what those were.  I was motivated and selfish, and it really did pay off.  You liked me, and accepted me.  I flattered you and praised you and maybe I gave you something you needed at that time too.  I may have been selfish, but I meant everything I said and I gave everything I had as selflessly as possible.

For the years I’ve known you, I’ve wanted to be just like you: Strong, in control, an expert in my field, hard working… kind, giving, caring, thoughtful, sensitive, and all loving.  Those first traits I saw in you, but those other ones I assumed were there: I assumed because those are my traits, and I wanted you to have them to – so that I could still be like you.  In the past year I came close to realizing that we were so much alike, in so many ways, and when I bore the deepest parts of me, you gave me what I always wanted – an indication that I was important to you too.

But what you said to me, and how you threw me out, I would never do that to anyone – not even my least liked acquaintance.  I was so sad to lose you, I thought it was my fault, and I couldn’t believe that the person I loved and respected so much could do something so hurtful.  But as the clarity pushes through the fog, I am beginning to realize that the person I thought you were was someone I fabricated for myself.  Maybe you knew that, and maybe it was too hard to keep it up, I’ll never know.  But with clearer thought and stronger support, I am sure that I no longer strive to be like you.

I want to be like who I thought you were – and that person is a projection of myself.  I never want to put the people I care about last.  I never want to be so overwhelmed that I have to sacrifice the things that are most important to me.  I want to be the person who makes people – all people – the most important parts of my life.  I know I am that person already, and that’s why this is so painful for me:  You were an important part of my life, and I wouldn’t have sacrificed that for very much, if anything.  That is the difference between us.  And now I know.

I don’t want to keep hurting over you. I don’t want to care if you ever feel like you made a mistake.  I don’t know if I even care that you’re sorry.  The only reason all those would happen is because you might realize that I was worth more than how you treated me.  I am trying to make that my reality already – for the first time in many years, I don’t need my relationship with you to tell me that.

I don’t know what this New Year will hold for me, or if you will ever be part of it.  But I will start off anew and move forward with you left behind.  I have already forgiven you because we all make mistakes.  I have learned what my mistake has been and it has been hard to accept. But if I have learned anything from you, it is that I am everything I already want to be, and I don’t deserve to be treated any less.

Yours Truly,

G.

14 thoughts on “The Last Letter

  1. BEAUTIFUL. Keep on standing strong.

    (I must ask…. What was your mistake that you allude to at the very end? It seems you haven’t made any mistake.)

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    1. Thanks, Melissa!
      The mistake I made was making someone else into something they might not have been… And then relying on that person to realize who/what I was when I should have been more confident in myself from the start. If that makes sense…

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      1. Okay, that completely makes sense! Just remember what you learned from the experience, and hold those lessons close to you as you move forward and become the best version of yourself. Happy New Year!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I didn’t actually send it to her because, ultimately, it doesn’t matter if she knows this or not. What matters is that I said it and I believe it. It was empowering, and all of your support here has been empowering, too. Happy New Year!

      Like

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