My mind is running like an old movie reel slideshow. It is running faster than normal, on silent, and I am viewing it in tandem with the every day events that are taking place around me. It is distracting, and upsetting, and nostalgic, and I can’t stop it. it plays on a loop and every time it plays over again, something different stands out.
Why did that happen?
What did I do?
I don’t care.
Yes, I do care.
I want to go back.
It’s not happening again.
Why won’t it go away?
Over, and over, and over.
Last night I removed everything in my house that had to do with K. All the pictures, and the gifts and the cards. Looking at the pictures was hard: We looked so happy together. She looks so loving and caring. How could someone like her say such mean and hurtful things? One of us has to be wrong, but who? I pushed the pictures and the thoughts all away and into the box with everything else. I topped it off with the unfinished cross-stitch. I don’t know if I will ever finish it. I taped it all shut and put it at the top of my closet. I’m not ready to throw it away – does that mean I’m still holding out hope? Is that okay? Do I even want the hope?
I bought a Kindle book for “loved ones” of people with EDs. I started reading the introduction in bed last night:”The most important thing you can do as a carer is foster and model open communication.” F*ck. I got out of bed and approached Husband. I was the one to break the silence – yet again. He was angry at me for being so angry. He didn’t remember saying that he didn’t want things to change (of course he did, why else would I have held onto that?). He didn’t remember saying he saw my attempts at making him change just another way for me to control him (but I know he did because it hurt my feelings so much). We talked for a long time. He said he tries to be there for me but I never talk to him. I thought he doesn’t care to listen to me. I went to bed after we decided that we need to communicate better. He wants to make changes and he wants me to be supportive. He wants to be there for me.
I told him I ordered some books and I told him why it was important to me that he goes to counseling. I told him that I signed up for an ED support group for loved ones. I’m hoping that he’ll see how hard I’m trying for him – and maybe he’ll try harder for himself.
Today the reel is running a little slower, but the visions are still there. Maybe I can focus on them a tiny bit better now.
*Title taken from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Elliot