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A Hundred Visions and Revisions*

My mind is running like an old movie reel slideshow.  It is running faster than normal, on silent, and I am viewing it in tandem with the every day events that are taking place around me.  It is distracting, and upsetting, and nostalgic, and I can’t stop it. it plays on a loop and every time it plays over again, something different stands out.

Why did that happen?
What did I do?
I don’t care.
Yes, I do care.
I want to go back.
It’s not happening again.
Why won’t it go away?
Over, and over, and over.

Last night I removed everything in my house that had to do with K.  All the pictures, and the gifts and the cards.  Looking at the pictures was hard: We looked so happy together.  She looks so loving and caring.  How could someone like her say such mean and hurtful things?  One of us has to be wrong, but who?  I pushed the pictures and the thoughts all away and into the box with everything else.  I topped it off with the unfinished cross-stitch.  I don’t know if I will ever finish it.  I taped it all shut and put it at the top of my closet.  I’m not ready to throw it away – does that mean I’m still holding out hope?  Is that okay? Do I even want the hope?

I bought a Kindle book for “loved ones” of people with EDs.  I started reading the introduction in bed last night:”The most important thing you can do as a carer is foster  and model open communication.” F*ck.  I got out of bed and approached Husband.  I was the one to break the silence – yet again.  He was angry at me for being so angry.  He didn’t remember saying that he didn’t want things to change (of course he did, why else would I have held onto that?).  He didn’t remember saying he saw my attempts at making him change just another way for me to control him (but I know he did because it hurt my feelings so much).  We talked for a long time.  He said he tries to be there for me but I never talk to him.  I thought he doesn’t care to listen to me.  I went to bed after we decided that we need to communicate better.  He wants to make changes and he wants me to be supportive.  He wants to be there for me.

I told him I ordered some books and I told him why it was important to me that he goes to counseling.  I told him that I signed up for an ED support group for loved ones.  I’m hoping that he’ll see how hard I’m trying for him – and maybe he’ll try harder for himself.

Today the reel is running a little slower, but the visions are still there.  Maybe I can focus on them a tiny bit better now.

*Title taken from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Elliot

13 thoughts on “A Hundred Visions and Revisions*

  1. I hope your hubby is able to see you are trying to support him and that he will in turn support and encourage you a bit better. Relationships are hard, and ED makes them ten times harder. Hang in there, girl.

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  2. Hi GG- I just commented on Victo Dolore’s blog and I’m so glad you responded! I was seriously so worried about you. The last post I saw on your old blog was about K’s response to you, and then all of a sudden your blog wasn’t there anymore. So I’m thrilled to see that you’re standing strong through all of this. I just caught up on your posts, and I definitely think taking a break sounds like a great idea for you. I think giving yourself some space to breathe is essential with everything you have happening in your life right now.

    (Also, did your old blog automatically reroute to your new blog? For some reason my RSS didn’t update it, and when I went to your old blog it just said it had been removed.)

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    1. Hey! I’m glad you were able to find me. I didnt have my old blog re-route because it would kind of defeat one of the purposes I changed it so suddenly. I knew i had a few web followers but the overwhelming majority id my followers are via email and wordpress. I did think about you though, i just didnt know what to do about it.

      I am looking forward to my meeting on Monday with the advocacy office to fet more information about a leave of absence.

      Thanks for “worrying” about me. Its nice to know that people care!

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      1. Ahhhh that makes sense about the email vs. non-email. I’ve always used RSS since it keeps all my blogs together, but maybe I should look into another way of following blogs.

        And yes, I really do care about you! The night your blog came down, I told my husband all about your blog and how I was really concerned about this person that I don’t technically know, but in a real way I actually do know. And then I got the idea to look on Victo’s blog since I’ve seen you comment there (I think I may have found your blog through her blog, or perhaps through Mothers in Medicine….not sure). Anyways, I’m glad to hear you’re still going strong. 🙂

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        1. I do that too – tell my husband about all these blogging people whom i “know” but actually dont know 🙂
          Thanks for making me smile!

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  3. So glad you and husband got a chance to talk. Communication is so very, very important. I totally understand those thoughts about K – I had them for a long time about my ex-friend and honestly, I still do sometimes but I know that some of those questions will never be answered and I have to be okay with that. You will be okay with that too, it’ll just take some time.

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  4. I have been thinking about your posts on the ED issue. Being a nonmedical spouse of a female physician is hard. Your husband is only just getting started down this road and it is going to get harder.

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    1. Yes, i kind of fear that. He is busy himself, in his career as a veterinarian, but I know je doesnt completely understand the demands i have, and therefore, he has as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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