I had a long night on call. Many calls and little sleep. But this morning I signed off of yet another rotation – 6 done and 6 to go. I sat down with my preceptor, exhausted and defeated from yesterday, to go over my evaluation.
“This will be quick,” he said. “You were… You were just fantastic! It says a lot when even the nurses tell me how much they like you.”
I looked over the form. Half of the check marks – the ones that pertained to medical and procedural activities- were in the “exceeds expectations” category. The other half of the check marks – for the professionalism, patient advocacy, team player like activities – were in the “consultant level” category. I was beyond shocked. Again, I don’t understand how I perform so well when I am feeling so broken and lost inside. Regardless, I signed on the resident signature line and graciously accepted my feedback. I collected my bags from my call room and returned the key to the unit clerk. She stood up to give me a hug: “it was wonderful having you here! I don’t just give anybody a hug, you know!”
I smiled and thanked her, then wished her a Merry Christmas.
The charge nurse turned around as well and stood to give me another hug: “We’ll miss you,” she said. “We really enjoyed having you here! Come to visit us whenever you are back at this hospital.”
I left with a smile on my face. I guess I must be doing something right. I drove home trying to forget about my sorrows of yesterday. It is so surreal, all of it. When I got home, the boys were outside building a snowman. What a beautiful sight. I went into the house to find fresh Lilly blossoms sitting on my kitchen table. I am loved.
Now I will go to sleep, and when I wake up later today I will begin the process of de cluttering my life. I’ll start with removing the many reminders of K that are all around me. I have to start somewhere.
It’s a new day.
I am a good person.
I am loved.
I will start there.