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It’s a New Day

I had a long night on call. Many calls and little sleep. But this morning I signed off of yet another rotation – 6 done and 6 to go. I sat down with my preceptor, exhausted and defeated from yesterday, to go over my evaluation.
“This will be quick,” he said. “You were… You were just fantastic! It says a lot when even the nurses tell me how much they like you.”
I looked over the form. Half of the check marks – the ones that pertained to medical and procedural activities- were in the “exceeds expectations” category. The other half of the check marks – for the professionalism, patient advocacy, team player like activities – were in the “consultant level” category. I was beyond shocked. Again, I don’t understand how I perform so well when I am feeling so broken and lost inside. Regardless, I signed on the resident signature line and graciously accepted my feedback. I collected my bags from my call room and returned the key to the unit clerk. She stood up to give me a hug: “it was wonderful having you here! I don’t just give anybody a hug, you know!”
I smiled and thanked her, then wished her a Merry Christmas.
The charge nurse turned around as well and stood to give me another hug: “We’ll miss you,” she said. “We really enjoyed having you here! Come to visit us whenever you are back at this hospital.”
I left with a smile on my face. I guess I must be doing something right. I drove home trying to forget about my sorrows of yesterday. It is so surreal, all of it. When I got home, the boys were outside building a snowman. What a beautiful sight. I went into the house to find fresh Lilly blossoms sitting on my kitchen table. I am loved.

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Now I will go to sleep, and when I wake up later today I will begin the process of de cluttering my life. I’ll start with removing the many reminders of K that are all around me. I have to start somewhere.
It’s a new day.
I am a good person.
I am loved.
I will start there.

11 thoughts on “It’s a New Day

    1. I think you are right. I didn’t get around to it today because I slept longer than I thought, and I had a massage booked. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow!

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  1. “Again, I don’t understand how I perform so well when I am feeling so broken and lost inside.”

    I am going to guess, just based on what you have shared: You take pride in your work. You know your stuff. And, possibly, you lose yourself in your work as a distraction when other things stress you out.

    No matter how or why, YOU did great 🙂

    “It’s a new day.
    I am a good person.
    I am loved.”

    This is your new mantra ❤

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    1. I don’t know if I lose myself in my work. Usually I feel like I don’t want to be there doing what I have to do and I’m only doing it because I have to (most of the time). Maybe I do a good job because I have high expectations for myself? Who knows.

      I guess I’ll have to make that my new mantra!

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  2. Sounds to me you are definitely on the right track. Bedside manner is one of the most important things (imho) that gets overlooked in the medical profession. I am no doctor, nor do I work in any capacity in this field but I have experience. I spent 17months with my fiancée as she was being treated at the Cleveland Clinic and I absolutely loved those people. Everyone there from the department heads, due to her condition I met many of those, all the way down to the valets are some of the kindest most caring people I have ever encountered. I know that these doctors and nurses and everyone else there are normal people just like me and you with real problems and struggles. From what I have read so far you sound like you’d fit in nicely there. Thing is, like you, they didn’t allow the outside world to interfere with their duties. If I am ever in need of a doctor I pray it is someone human, like you. Best of luck to you in all your endeavors. -JM

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