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What Have I Done To Myself?

I’ve had a stomach ache since Friday afternoon.  I used to get stomach aches from anxiety and stress many years ago, but lately my anxiety manifests as nausea.  I’ve been nauseated too, since Friday.  At first I thought, maybe I have a mild bout of gastro – seeing as how it’s going around.  But given that I have still been able to eat some food, usually in the morning and into the early afternoon, with the nausea setting in after that, gastro is likely not the culprit.  Saturday night, despite not eating any dinner (maybe a few cookies while I was baking), I took shelter in the bathroom, next to my trusty porcelain friend until my gravol and zofran kicked in.  I probably would have thrown up if I let myself, but the nausea finally subsided into the usual shivers and chills and I brought myself back to bed.  Again yesterday, I hardly ate all day and every time I did, my stomach ache would get worse.  Out of fear of being nauseous at work, I hardly ate anything.  Today, I thought I was feeling a little better, but I ate a bird-sized dinner, and handful of nuts as an evening snack, and now that “funny feeling” in my stomach is preventing me from finishing my nightly tea.

I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning.  I told her how I’ve been feeling sick all weekend.  I told her about my letter and what it said.  She said she was surprised that I didn’t sound more angry and asked why I had no intention of sending it.  Then I told her that I did, indeed, send it.  She smirked: “Good,” she said, “I think that’s a good decision.”

It feels good to know that my psychologist (who does this stuff for a living), as well as all you here felt that I made a good decision.  It doesn’t make me feel any better about what sending that letter has done to her – and to our friendship, though.  My psychologist said that the letter opens the doors for open and honest communication, if that is an option for her.  Given that our friendship has been stripped down to a bare skeleton comprising semi-daily fitbit challenges (and the occasional small talk associated with that), she thought that sending the letter, despite what the end result is, would be better than just letting what’s left slide into oblivion.  I thought for a second that maybe she was right; over the weekend, however, the fitbit challenges have disappeared.  This morning I thought I would send out an olive branch and I initiated the challenge, but she never accepted the invitation.  After hours and hours of looking down at my phone and witnessing this tangible form of rejection, I withdrew the challenge and shut off the app on my phone.

I laid in bed for most of the afternoon, drifting in and out of a restless slumber.  I felt sorry for myself.  I wondered what I had done.  I wondered what I could have done differently. I wondered if there was anything more I could do.  The realization that everything is up to her and, therefore, completely out of my control, was even more depressing.  This wasn’t how our friendship was supposed to turn out.  I kept flashing back to a time we were together before I moved.  She said to me: “We will continue to be good friends because we want to be.”  I really believed it, and I really wanted it.  I do really want it. Even after all of this, there must be an explanation that would make it all understandable and permissive.  There must be, right?  But for all of this to happen, could she have really wanted it?  Was it all just a romanticized idea at the time, and now that I’m not there, it’s easier to let go?  I fear that I’ll never know the real answer.

In the meantime, I am doing my best to cope – alone.  And, my best is making me sick – again.  What else can I do?  Can the truth really set you free?

…Because I did enjoy the movie today and this scene seemed relevant

7 thoughts on “What Have I Done To Myself?

  1. I am glad that you sent the note because YOU wanted to, not because your psychologist wanted it or anyone here wanted it. I think it is telling that she is silent and withdrawing further. The plus side is hopefully this will spare you a let down or further betrayal when it would really matter and you can begin the process of healing and walking away yourself. This makes me think of a puppy who keeps coming back each time after being kicked away over and over again. Don’t let her do that to you.


    1. I am so torn. I want to just walk away because it is too painful to feel disposed of and neglected. But there is such a big part of me that believes (wants to believe?) that this has nothing to do with me, as a person, and she’s just really having a hard time with other things – and she can’t “deal” with me right now. I know it’s not a great excuse to treat someone like this, but here I am complaining about how much I am hurting because I’ve been “rejected” by a friend, and by walking away from her without any explanation, might I be doing the same thing to her?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with Victo. It seems pretty clear to me that she (K) is pulling away from you, for whatever reason you may never ever know, and you need to let her go. It will be excruciating for a time but you need to allow yourself time to grieve and then move on. We are all here to help you through it.


    1. Thanks. Like I said to Victo – I feel a disconnect between what think I should do and what I feel I should do. Every day it changes. Maybe it has to do with me, maybe it doesn’t. What kind of friend would I be if I abandon someone at their lowest point? (and yes, I see the irony in this statement…)


  3. I’m going through a somewhat similar situation as you are right now. A long-time friend has been slowly withdrawing for a while, largely due to her husband (her husband somehow dislikes all of her friends….in a nutshell, it’s an abusive relationship on both of their ends, but because I’m one of her friends, he dislikes me too). I figured the friendship was just taking its natural course, but then she asked me to be her son’s godmother. I told her I didn’t think I was the best fit since I will NEVER see her son in person (we live on opposite sides of the country). I asked her if she thought maybe a family member would be a better fit. (There is so much more to this too… She can be very manipulative, and I thought that she would likely twist my arm to get me to visit at very inconvenient times, just so she could see me.) Anyways, I also didn’t like the idea of us having a nearly non-existent relationship in the everyday-ness of life, yet have these bigger ties to our relationship, like being a godparent. I’m the type of person who likes a true, authentic friendship, whereas she is much more into the title of things. Fast forward — she has nearly completely withdrawn from me. For most of our friendship, I have let her manipulate me and when I finally stood up for myself she disappeared. Just writing it out makes me realize how unhealthy things were, but it’s still really HARD.

    I feel like I’m rambling in all sorts of directions. And there is SO MUCH more to the whole story. But all this to say, even the I haven’t been in your exact situation, I really do feel your pain right now. The pain that comes with saying good-bye. Even though I don’t know you, I think about you often and I’m sending hugs and love to you. And reading your writings as you process through everything has really helped me.

    (Also, on an unrelated note — you and Victo Dolore have inspired me to start an anonymous blog. I haven’t actually started it yet just because I can’t come up with a name! Right now I have a blog with pictures of my kids since family lives so far away, but I can’t be honest with a lot of things there because people that know me read it.)


  4. I agree with both Victo and Dr. Mom. However, I do think it’s a bit childish of K just to pull away by completely ignoring you, especially when you sent her that letter, which was an excellent attempt at initiating honest communication. If she wanted to pull away, the least she could’ve done was send a reply, explaining.

    Maybe I’m being unfair; maybe I’m unleashing all of my unused judgment on K, haha. I try really hard to be non-judgmental in my daily life, so sometimes it builds up. 😛


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