I’m not good at standing back and waiting. I’ve been struggling with this task more than I thought I would. I just don’t know how to handle it anymore.
My instinct is to talk, to work it out, to find resolution. But, I just don’t think that is right this time. I know this is my struggle, and it’s not easy to overcome. She needs easy and I want to give her that.
My sister said I’m killing myself in the meantime – she’s right. She said I need to tell her how I feel. I tried to do that initially, but I also tried to be respectful. Since then I never got a response. But in that response, I blamed myself: I said that it was my fault for relying on her friendship too much, it was wrong for me to assume that something was what it really wasn’t, and I’m the one who has to work through that. I’m not so sure if it’s fair to blame myself for everything, and it’s hard to think anything different when all I’ve had is silence. Maybe I blamed myself because it’s easier than pointing fingers, especially at someone who can really do no wrong.
I have two choices here, and neither feels right. I could pick up the pieces of what’s left and move forward with what she’s willing to give me. It’s hard to go backwards though – I’m not sure I can do that without the constant reminder that I pushed to hard and that she pushed me away. Alternatively, I could just walk away. I could accept that her role in my life has come to an end. She was a great mentor, she was a great role model, and for a while, she has been a great friend. She said she feared that by being my friend, she’s a constant reminder of what I’ve left behind. I don’t think that’s fair for her to say, but maybe she’s more right than I think. However, it breaks my heart a little to think about walking away. I just don’t know anymore.
My silence is getting harder to handle. I can’t keep pretending that nothing has changed. I’ve been forcing myself to keep silent, and every time I hold back, I feel the challenge getting harder. I’m hurting, I’m angry, I’m worried, I’m sad, and despite all of this, my biggest fear is that I will end up hurting her. Everyday I stop myself from texting her because I told her I’d give her space. Everyday I want to tell her something great that happened, or something bad that happened, or just tell her something that I know she’ll think is funny. But I don’t (Maybe because I don’t want more hurt?). Last week I found a funny and supportive card – I bought it to send her. However, it sat in my closet for a week while I told myself that I need to step back and think more about myself. I thought I would diffuse my need to be supportive by sending it to someone else who would probably also really appreciate it.
While I was talking to my sister about all of this yesterday, I looked back over our last few emails to each other. on November 3rd, the night I sent her an email and invited her to follow along with NaBloPoMo with her gift, she replied to me with this:
“I just want you to know that I appreciate you and everything you do for me as a friend. You are far more inspiring and inspired than you could ever possibly realize.”
And after re-reading that, I decided to send her the card. I don’t know what happened in the ten days between that email and when things changed (maybe it was her reading my blog?!?) but I really want to believe it has nothing to do with me (that’s the hardest thing for me to do). If I really have been a great friend for her, then perhaps my role right now is to just keep that up as best as I can.
I’m just not sure how long I can do that as I find all this silence becoming too hard to handle.