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Day 20: No Explanation Needed

“Life is just one damn thing after another.”
~Elbert Hubbard

I picked this quotation because, at the time it made me chuckle. It’s kinda funny, don’t you think? Maybe in a little cynical and twisted way… Regardless, I thought it might put a little smile on her face.

Now it’s just too literal for my liking. I don’t really think it’s that funny at the moment. Perhaps because it is too accurate a description of what I’m feeling.

I need this month to be over. It’s hard enough to give her space and blend into the background even without the element of November. A whole NaBloPoMo project based on a gift I put together – with something optimistic or inspiring or humorous to read everyday. I had so much that I wanted to say and to share, but I don’t want to do it anymore.

I thought it was going to be something we would enjoy together and to help us get through a crappy month. But now I don’t even know if she’s reading them. I don’t know if she’s opening the gifts. It makes me sad to think that all the thought, and kindness, and love that I packaged into that little box might be just sitting in a corner of isolation.

We haven’t “talked” in 6 days. I don’t think we have gone even a day or two without at least one text message in the last 8 or 9 months. I’ve sent a few texts to just say “hi, I hope you’re having a good day,” but I never get anything back. I’m sad. I hope she’s okay.

“My life is one damn thing after another,” it seems. I didn’t realize I f*cked up this bad. I think it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me in a long time. But, it’s not about me. (Well maybe a little bit, because I miss her support and our chats and our challenges with each other). This is about her, and I don’t want to make things more difficult.

I just want us to be okay.
I want her to be okay.

8 thoughts on “Day 20: No Explanation Needed

  1. Sometimes we have to give each other some space. There is obviously something going on with her and it may have nothing to do with you. I hope you get some answers. Hugs!

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    1. I’m sure it has nothing to do with me! I’m just too sensitive and it’s my “pathology” to blame myself. Being a good friend is hard when what you’ve been asked to do is step back. I think it’s in our nature to always want to fix things…

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  2. I am very sorry she isn’t responding at all, one way or another. Do what you need to for now to get through the days and try to be gentle with yourself> ((hugs))

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    1. Thanks Sheena! Every day seems to get a little better, both in how I deal with things and with how things change. (I guess that is also the slight problem with pre-written posts)

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  3. That is so tough, when you try to reach out to a friend and they don’t respond. I know that feeling well, and it sucks.
    Also, I can’t remember if I’ve said this before, but I find November to also be one of the toughest months of the year for me. It’s so… bleak. (Being in Australia this year has temporarily cured me from the November blues, but I’m sure it’ll be back in full force next year.)

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  4. There is very little you can do about another person’s actions, feelings and reactions. But you do have some choice in determining how much you let their action (or inaction in this case) affect you. Isn’t it so true tho, that the less control one has over something, the more anxious one gets. It’s not you, it’s her and even though I understand you miss her, I think it may be time to let it go and give her time & space to choose. Here’s some hugs for your heartbreak. ooooox

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    1. I agree. Being in limbo land is hard. However, I’m sure a lot of what I’m feeling is my own problem and my own imagination and insecurities.

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