Emotional Baggage · Relationships

My Person

Last night I laid awake in my bed for a long time.  I was thinking about my “person.”  If you’ve ever watched “Grey’s Anatomy,” then you know what I’m talking about.  What kept me from falling asleep last night, though, were thoughts about whether or not she really is my “person.”

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Not too long ago, before I moved, I made a little confession about the importance of K in my life.  I went back and read it today and I’d say that, aside from a few minor exaggerations (probably due to grief), it was pretty accurate.  While that describes so much of why she was important to me in the first place, it doesn’t really give as much of an indication about why she is important to me now.  In some way or another, she will always be those “initial” things, but now she is my really good, true friend.  I care about her as my friend and I worry about her as my friend.  I trust her and I value her advice and her support.  Really, I love her as my friend.  And over the last little while, I feel like she has become my “person.”

Unfortunately (sadly?), I’m not her “person.”  I’m pretty sure that all this time, I never have been her person.  However, the doubtful/fearful/insecure part of me wants to think that maybe I was but now I’m not: I can’t help but feel like I’ve messed something up.  I’m not sure what it could have been (which probably means it’s nothing), but I do worry that my constant negativity and inability to cope – along with my constant complaining to her – has become a little too much.

I know this because right now she needs some space from me.  Something at work is causing her some grief, and it’s something that she is unable and/or unwilling to talk about with me.  I know it’s complicated because I am a resident and she is an attending, even though we don’t work in the same city.  I get it, but I don’t – and I mostly don’t get it because there isn’t a single thing in my life that I wouldn’t talk about with her (I mean, she knows things about me that no one else does).  Nonetheless, this is a stressful time that I can’t support her through and it’s hard for me to accept.  Maybe she is trying to protect me, or maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it’s just as simple as the fact that I’m not that person in her life with whom she talks about these most difficult things.  Regardless, I am sad and hurting and disappointed that I am not, and can’t ever be, the person who is always there for her.

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That is not my role and not my place, and I guess that is okay.  It’s going to have to be…
But last night I was just really wondering, can someone be your “person” even if you aren’t their “person?”

I still don’t know the answer.

“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to someone…
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by.
No matter how much we hurt them, the people who are still with you are the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.
And sure, sometimes close can be too close.  But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”
~Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

10 thoughts on “My Person

  1. I had never heard of this before, but I also don’t watch that show.

    I am sorry you are coming to this realization now ((hugs))

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  2. It’s weird for her, you were her subordinate, she was an attending, she likely already had a support system when you came along, so you were a bonus person whereas, being a student means she was much more important. It’s a rough task to draw the line between boss and employee, friend & not friend, it’s just weird.

    I choose to never take these things personally unless and until it becomes apparent that it really is directed at me. So often people get hurt feelings or feel guilty or responsible for something that is not at all about them, so I try to never assume it is about me. I find that makes life better, I endeavor to always assume the best intentions. No, it does not always work, but when I am faced with moments like you are having, it helps me not to wail to myself and wonder what I did wrong.

    I envy Mer & Christina the person thing, I don’t think all of us are that lucky to have some one who knows us so well and it there for everything. I mean, hey, how much does Seattle Grace resemble your residency, eh? But I do try to make more efforts to be a good friend to more people, in case there is ‘my person’ out there, I try to text & email supportive things and listen more than I talk. When there is no reason to come together, i try to randomly message nice things.

    Perhaps K has been your person, but she has also been your supervisor, you have been free to share your troubles with her, but it would have been inappropriate to share hers with you. Maybe you could make an effort to share more low key stuff in a low key way, just little things that don’t demand much of her, things that are amusing or supportive? You are transitioning to a new relationship and that will have a few bumps & she is still technically a superior, she is not your direct supervisor, but she is still in a higher position than you and has to be aware of that.

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    1. I *know* that everything you say is true… and it does makes sense. And, I’m not really taking it personally, that’s just my habit, unfortunately. Like I said to her, I think I lost sight of all this stuff as I was struggling to cope with everything else and knew she was there for me as a friend. I need to step back a bit, I think.

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  3. I’ve always wanted a “person” where the relationship was reciprocal, but I think that’s a really rare thing. But, like I said, I completely understand how you feel because I’ve felt like it my whole life.

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  4. I learned a long time ago that I wasn’t someone’s “person” even though I wanted to be and thought she was “my” “person”. We are no longer friends and I’ve realized that she never really was my person. It still makes me sad to this day that I deluded myself for so many years. But you live and learn.

    This was a great post though. I’m sad for you that you aren’t her person but I’m sure you are to someone and may just not know it yet.

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    1. I know, i guess, that this is always a possibility but i really hope it doesnt come to that. I am trying very hard to tell myself that i can move past this and continue to be the best friend i can be. I guess only time will tell what will happen.

      When i think about how important she is to me, i can only hope that one day i would mean that much to someone else 🙂

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  5. I watched some Grey’s Anatomy, and it did include this episode.

    Once in a while, I do think about “my person” in exactly these terms. In fact, she’s part of my love of that Jeremy Kay song I mentioned in my other comment. We spent so much time driving up and down PCH late at night, when we still lived in the same town/state. When we stopped living close to each other, we still shared little bits of music by text and email. This one song in particular is a reminder of so many times with her and how anchoring they are.

    Reading on …

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