Last night I laid awake in my bed for a long time. I was thinking about my “person.” If you’ve ever watched “Grey’s Anatomy,” then you know what I’m talking about. What kept me from falling asleep last night, though, were thoughts about whether or not she really is my “person.”
Not too long ago, before I moved, I made a little confession about the importance of K in my life. I went back and read it today and I’d say that, aside from a few minor exaggerations (probably due to grief), it was pretty accurate. While that describes so much of why she was important to me in the first place, it doesn’t really give as much of an indication about why she is important to me now. In some way or another, she will always be those “initial” things, but now she is my really good, true friend. I care about her as my friend and I worry about her as my friend. I trust her and I value her advice and her support. Really, I love her as my friend. And over the last little while, I feel like she has become my “person.”
Unfortunately (sadly?), I’m not her “person.” I’m pretty sure that all this time, I never have been her person. However, the doubtful/fearful/insecure part of me wants to think that maybe I was but now I’m not: I can’t help but feel like I’ve messed something up. I’m not sure what it could have been (which probably means it’s nothing), but I do worry that my constant negativity and inability to cope – along with my constant complaining to her – has become a little too much.
I know this because right now she needs some space from me. Something at work is causing her some grief, and it’s something that she is unable and/or unwilling to talk about with me. I know it’s complicated because I am a resident and she is an attending, even though we don’t work in the same city. I get it, but I don’t – and I mostly don’t get it because there isn’t a single thing in my life that I wouldn’t talk about with her (I mean, she knows things about me that no one else does). Nonetheless, this is a stressful time that I can’t support her through and it’s hard for me to accept. Maybe she is trying to protect me, or maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it’s just as simple as the fact that I’m not that person in her life with whom she talks about these most difficult things. Regardless, I am sad and hurting and disappointed that I am not, and can’t ever be, the person who is always there for her.
That is not my role and not my place, and I guess that is okay. It’s going to have to be…
But last night I was just really wondering, can someone be your “person” even if you aren’t their “person?”
I still don’t know the answer.
“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to someone…
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by.
No matter how much we hurt them, the people who are still with you are the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.
And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”
~Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy