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Day 14: A Minor Distinction

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It’s not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”
~Václav Havel

I am pretty sure I’m not in an appropriate state of mind to discuss this quotation.  I am certainly far from anything that resembles an optimist.  In fact, I have no reason to believe that anything will turn out well now, or in the future.  Whether or not I have hope, well that is a different question altogether.

“The certainty that something makes sense…”
I guess it helps to cope with undesired circumstances by “hoping” that everything makes sense.  However, if we are not hopeful that everything makes sense in a positive way, then does it really matter if it makes sense?  This seems to imply a belief in fate or a “greater plan.”  I don’t think I believe in either of these concepts.

Maybe we hope that something makes sense because if it doesn’t, then we conclude that there is no justice, or no reason to continue on with life.  Maybe hope is the reason that I keep on going day after day, especially after this past weekend when I completely fell apart.  Never before have I felt so lost, so unhappy, and so hopeless.  I am sure that nothing makes sense, not to me anyway.  If not existing anymore made “more sense” than my life right now, I suspect there might be a few missing opioids and benzos from the depths of my medicine cabinet (yes, I have had my fair share of medical problems lately).  Luckily, I am not so hopeless to believe that death is a solution. Amongst many reasons, even this chaos makes more sense than leaving my children without a mother.

When I look back at what I wrote about this quotation in my card to K, it is completely different.  It is full of hope, and even optimism.  I am hopeful that I (we) will find a way to make sense of the parts of our lives that don’t make sense.  (and maybe that’s why I should have written these posts in tandem with the cards, not weeks later).  For now I will maintain that my life is non-sensical.  I won’t try to make sense of it now.  Instead I will just keep looking out for the small glimmers of hope from day to day.

6 thoughts on “Day 14: A Minor Distinction

  1. Sometimes day to day is the best we can try for, and that isn’t always a bad thing. Keeps me from being overwhelmed, I think 🙂

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  2. How come there is no ‘Not Like’ button?!?! I am sorry you are feeling this way, but it is such a good thing that you write about it and work through your thoughts. I went through a really bad period in my twenties and maybe one day I will find the courage to write about it… But I found listing all the good things in my life whenever I felt out of control helps a lot. I called it my ‘thankful’ list – everything in my life at that precise moment I am thankful for. It was really hard at first and I did it with no enthusiasm but after a while, it reminded me who and what I loved in my life.
    Blog away, Cranky Giraffe, get it all out (the good and bad), there’s plenty of cyber hugs from me whenever you need one. I hope your tomorrow will be a better day for you. xo

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    1. I think that is probably something I should start doing. I’m sure it will make a difference eventually. Maybe it will help me to focus on what good I do have.

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