Emotional Baggage

A Break From The Pattern

Today I am falling apart a little.

My NaBloPoMo project is an ongoing string of pre-scheduled posts that I’ve been working on behind the scenes.  But this post is me… today.

I had coffee with a resident friend of mine.  We commiserated on the challenges of our lives as first year obstetrical residents in a rotating “surgical internship.”  She is seriously considering switching out of the program because she isn’t sure if it’s really what she wants to do in her life.

I told her about my issues and struggles – most of which I’ve buried and kept inside and haven’t faced because I figure it’s just easier that way.  I think about switching out of my program everyday: Not because I hate obstetrics or because I love something else more, but because if doing obstetrics means I have to live this life, right now, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I am lonely.  So lonely.  I have superficial, and obligatory conversations withe people on a daily basis, but I have no one to just “talk to.”  My husband is a grump.  He doesn’t care to listen to my problems because he doesn’t understand them.  I know he just wants me to get over it.  So we don’t really talk about anything.

Oh, except we do talk a lot about our deteriorating 4-year-old.  The one who is throwing bowls at our nanny and hitting his brother because he wants to and who can’t even focus enough at his soccer practice to know which way he’s supposed to kick the ball.  Yeah – that little adorable boy who needs his mommy… his mommy who is never home (or who is home and is just trying not to completely fall apart).

We argue about our Nanny.  He doesn’t like her for probably 1000 reasons that I can’t even begin to list.  I think he’s being oh-so-f*cking annoying about this whole situation.  But, as it stands, we have no choice but to do it.  And he expects me to fix all the problems.

The only good thing that I can see is that my Husband is happy at his job.  That’s great for him (and I can’t imagine how much grumpier he would be if he hated his job), but all it means for me is that leaving here is not really an option.  If I didn’t have to worry about him (and the rest of my family), I would think about moving back – maybe even doing something else; at least then I’d be back in my community.  I am so unhappy right now that I could even suck up my pride and go back to my old program with my tail tucked shamefully between my legs and beg them to reconsider me (even though they didn’t want me to begin with).  But none of that is an option, because it’s not “just about me.”

So, where does that leave me?

It leaves me struggling, alone, and with no place to go.  It leaves me to decide if all of this is worth it now, and in the future.  I leaves me feeling like I’ve done everything wrong.

20 thoughts on “A Break From The Pattern

  1. I wish I had more to offer than virtual hugs and just listening, but I was wondering if your 4-year old had any other issues or if there was anything that needed to be ruled out behavior-wise? That is a lot more than a kid needing his mommy, though I know that is important too. ((HUGS))

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    1. We are on waitilists for everything: autism assessments, therapies, behavioural assessments… You name it. The downside to free healthcare is that you have to wait on long lists. We were almost at the top of the list in our ild province, but since we moved we had to start from the bottom

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  2. I couldn’t read and not respond, though I don’t really know what I can say to make it any better. The first year of residency is tough, for everyone, especially when there’s a family at home and a parent who just can’t be there. I honestly can’t imagine how difficult it must be for all of you. Switching programs may make things a bit easier — you could switch to Family Medicine and still plan on doing low-risk Obstetrics. I know lots of family physicians in my province who only do Obstetrics and love it. It might be a compromise to consider.

    Have you considered private assessments for your son? I know they can be expensive but it might be better for everyone in the long run to have answers sooner rather than later.

    ((Hugs))

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    1. Even before carms I thought a lot about family med with obs. The problem is that i like the high risk, acute, subspecialty stuff. I like surgery. Delivering babies is wonderful, but its only a small part of what i like. My friend is looking into switching to family and apparently there is a long list of people waiting for open spots. Then it is a very carms-esque process. The only thing worse than mu life now is reliving the horror of carms!

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      1. Oh I totally understand. CARMs is hell on earth. I get that you love the surgery. It’s a tough road but lifestyle later on gets better. It’s just a matter of getting through the first few years of the program.

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        1. Thats what everyone says. I feel like no matter what, I am always choosing between two things: family and career. It feels like i cant have both the way i want them – at least not the way ive gone about doing it.

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  3. Love your blog theme now! Very nice.

    On the real though, I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. I wish there was some advice I could offer unsolicitedly like I usually do, but I don’t know that much about the pursuit of medicine than what I see on Grey’s and I don’t think that’s reality. Hopefully that made you smirk slightly. No? 🙂

    Your husband doesn’t sound like he’ll really be happy with any nanny because they aren’t you. They will never handle and help with the kids the way you do. The only options I see there are to try a different nanny or wait until he becomes accustomed to this one. Aren’t I so good at stating the obvious?? Haha.

    If you need to talk, contact me. I’ll be flexible and either just be an ear or I’ll give you awesome unsolicited advice. I know what it’s like to feel alone and I don’t want you feeling that way.

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    1. Oh babe, ive missed you around! I really had no clue what i was doing with mu blog theme – im so bad at that stuff (which is why i kept your awesome design for so long)!

      You did make me smirk – maybe Grey’s would be more entertaining that my life, at least!

      Thanks for always being around!

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      1. No problem! And if you need any help with blog design, which I don’t care what you say it looks great now, let me know. I am always down to play with some CSS. 🙂

        I stopped watching Grey’s this last season because I got wind that they were letting Yang go, she’s my favorite character, but that show will always have my heart.

        And I’m always around, even if I don’t make myself known. 🙂

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        1. I might take you up on it… I feel so boring and uninspired. I also gave up on Grey’s this year – mostly because we cancelled cable…

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    1. I don’t know if it helped or made it worse. Talking about it with her kind of sent me on a downward spiral for the day 😦

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