So, This is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be.
I have good days and bad days – I’m not yet sure if any type predominates over the other and there is a really good chance that most days are good and bad. On the good days I often ask myself how things can seem so good when I know there is so much missing from my life – so much that I left behind and that I know is happening concurrently… I could be a part of that. On the bad days, I wonder why I can’t just get over it and move on and accept all the wonderful experiences and opportunities that lie before me. When it comes down to it, I am healthy, I have healthy children, I have a loving and supportive husband, and I am successful in my career aspirations. What is there to be unhappy about?
I guess it must be human nature to always want the things that we can’t have. As much as I hate clichés, I can definitely say that “the grass is greener idea” is applicable in every scenario of my life. I’m know that if I go back to 5 years ago and told myself that I would be where I am today, I wouldn’t believe it. 5 years ago I thought my life kind of sucked, and there was always something better for which I was hoping. Now I also think my life kind of sucks, but for completely different reasons. I would like to go back to somewhere in-between and make some changes. However, (to continue with the clichés) hindsight is 20/20 and going back might not necessarily mean that anything would change.
Sitting here and wishing things could be different doesn’t accomplish anything – it makes me sad. Missing my friends makes me sad. Imagining myself working in the operating rooms of my old hospital, learning from my old teachers makes me sad. Knowing that there are other people standing where I
should be want to be standing, and learning from the people I want to be learning from – that all makes me sad… and also angry. None of that means I don’t appreciate the experiences I do have here; they just aren’t the same. And they won’t be the same for a long time, I fear.