The air has a new crispness to it now. You can really feel it on our nightly evening walks and you need to wear a scarf to keep the chill away. The trees by the lake where I run are starting to show their yellowing leaves. I find myself in love with fall every year: The sharp coolness is soothing and grounding, the colours are rich and vibrant, and the harvest foods give fullness and comfort. This year, however, fall brings with it a sadness I wasn’t expecting.
The changing season reminds me that the world is moving on and that nothing has changed. But I have changed – and I didn’t want to. I am nostalgic for last fall and as I enjoy the first few sips of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, I can’t help but remember where I was last year when I enjoyed the same treat. Despite my best efforts, I am not ready to accept the permanency of my new life and with a new season moving in, that is the only choice I have.
I am nervous and apprehensive about the coldness and the darkness that fall will bring. I used to have the energy and the excitement to let the beautiful elements of the season invigorate me and prepare me for the long winter. Last year my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of pumpkin themed baking and cute little crocheted owls – I planned out scarves to make with the hopes of giving warmth and comfort to all the people I care about. But this year I just feel tired. I don’t want the fall to come: I don’t want to bake and I don’t want to crochet, and I certainly do not want to enjoy the fall. I am not ready to accept what change will bring.
I wish the season didn’t have to change.