Emotional Baggage

Emptiness

I can’t feel anything.

I can’t decide if it’s because I have nothing to feel or because I’ve just lost the ability to feel.  I want to feel, but there is nothing – and as more time passes, the nothingness becomes greater.

I’m scared.

I’m scared because the last time I felt this empty, I fell into a bottomless pit and I’ve never fully recovered.  Maybe there’s some subtle differences this time, but the same feeling of nothing – it’s there.

Nothing is good.  Nothing is bad.  Everything just is. I don’t know what to do with nothing.

There is a massive “whole” inside: A hole that is the whole of me.  The whole of me, inside of my outside shell, but not really there at all.

I want to feel sad and depressed and I want to break down and fall apart – but that’s not happening.  Maybe it’s the pattern of everything that’s happened in the past, so it’s my instinct to want to feel that way.  Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not able to feel that.

I want to feel happy and excited and hopeful, but I don’t feel that either.  I am just here, watching the world go by and silently observing.  I think it’s bad that I can’t feel anything good, but what other options do I have?  I wonder, will this emptiness ever fill itself in?  Is it a sign that things are changing for the good, or does it mean that I’m slipping down that slippery hill yet again?

Despite the emptiness, I am somehow still keeping it all together – I am not falling apart, even though that’s what I want to do.  I am not running away and never coming back.  One foot in front of the other seems easier than it was in the past.  But for some reason, it’s hard for me to tell if this is real or it’s just the function of me not feeling what I should be feeling.

5 thoughts on “Emptiness

  1. I wish I knew what to tell you, CG. Have you set up your family’s new doctors, etc. in the new city? Maybe as part of that this week check in with them?

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  2. I can’t imagine you losing the ability to feel, but I don’t want to invalidate(there’s another word for this, but this will have to suffice) your feelings (see what I did there?) on it. Even if it is empty, you’re still feeling something, you’re feeling empty. Do you have a therapist (I don’t even know how you feel about therapy)? If not, I suggest you get one. I have one and it’s so great to talk to a woman who is completely unbiased and can open my eyes to see things in a different light. And to tell you the truth, it doesn’t even feel like therapy. I love it. I hope you don’t feel so feelingless for long, CG, you deserve happiness. And another thing, you accomplished something major and a move, maybe you’re like me where you love the process of doing something, but when it’s over even though you have it accomplished with success, it kind of sucks that it’s over. I honestly think that’s why I procrastinate on things so much. I feel empty when everything is in order — like my room for example. If it’s a little cluttered, I know I have something to do, but once everything is in it’s place I just feel this weird sensation of not having it to do anymore. It’s over. So I mess it up again and the cycle repeats.

    You have accomplished so much and you have so much going for you. Great bi hugs to you and I am sorry for the novel like comment. 🙂

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  3. I think about that a lot when I’m not feeling anything. Do I have anything to feel or am I just numb?

    But hey, being scared is a feeling. So there’s that. And even if it’s not the most comfortable feeling, there’s still something rich about feeling it. If that makes any sense.

    Keep on keeping on, friend!

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    1. Thanks 🙂 I think it will take a while to start feeling normal again. I have my orientation tomorrow and I still upset about how everything has all turned out.

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