I woke up a few times in the middle of the night and the only thing that I could think of was that there are only 10 more days that my kids will get to go to their dayhome. This is the dayhome they’ve been going to since they were both born. At least twice I feel back asleep crying.
Husband stayed home from work today to pack. We decided to wait until after A’s birthday party to do the “major packing,” like the kitchen and the toy room. So after I dropped the boys off (and cried on the way home), I came in to my kitchen full of boxes and paper. I am currently stripping the kitchen cabinets of everything that needs to be wrapped and packed. It’s hard to fight back the tears. I don’t want to leave.
I’m starting to say my good-byes to people that I won’t see again. It started last week with my “last hair cut.” I know it was just my hairdresser, but what do you say when you know you’re not coming back? What do they say to you when they know you’re not coming back? And, that’s just my hairdresser – someone I don’t see that often and who isn’t an important part of my life. Coming up this weekend is my Graduation – it will be the time to say goodbye to everyone with whom I’ve become friends over the past 4 years. The worst part is that most of them are staying here, so they are all going to be celebrating that. And, I’ll just be saying good-bye.
On Friday I went for my “good-bye lunch” with K. I know I’ll see her again once or twice before I leave, but it didn’t change the fact that the purpose of the lunch was to say “good-bye.” Despite the sombre occasion, we had a wonderful time together, and we came prepared with gifts. From her, I got one of the most beautifully written cards that I have received in a very long time. I tried hard not to cry as I read it (I’ve been getting better at holding back tears), and I managed to succeed, at least a little. I gave her my gift of the first cross-stitch and the book I made. I watched as she unwrapped the paper and looked with wanting curiosity at the cover. She read the quote on the front and then opened the book. I could see her chin beginning to quiver as she read my introduction and then I couldn’t hold back much anymore either. There were no words as we both cried and stood up to give each other a strong embrace. I am so glad I gave her the book – thank-you, all of you who encouraged me to give it to her – It really was the best thing I could have done.
It was my intention to go into these last two week strong, with pride and with strength so that I could conclude this chapter of my life with happiness and joy. On day one, I am really not doing a great job. The pile of crumpled kleenex is getting larger by the minute and I’m beginning to feel like red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks will be my permanent look for the next few weeks. I knew that as the end got closer it was going to get harder. But it is starting to get harder than I imagined.