Letting it go

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know…

I have been held captive by a monster of fear for far too long.  Most of the things I have feared were right inside of me – things that were seeded in self-doubt and in shame. Despite years of therapy and hard work, working on positive self-talk, reading books on overcoming shame, and trying hard to build confidence in myself, I have still let that fear control me.

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

This weekend I looked back over the past few months and wondered why I still hold onto all these fears.  The evidence I thought was there to support them and validate them – well, I can’t seem to find it anymore.  I think it’s been gone for a while.  Or possibly, it wasn’t even there in the first place.  I think for quite a while now, I’ve been standing within the brittle skeleton of my fears but I’ve been held captive by them for so long that I don’t even know that I can finally break free of them.  The body and the flesh and the strength of them is gone.  I killed it all and I gained that strength for myself.   All I need to do is gently push and watch the frail frame of this skeleton fall to the ground all around me.  Then I can walk right out of everything that’s been holding me back.

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

For a moment I felt the strength I needed; I reached out and I was ready to break free.  The size of my monstrous fears tried to push back against me and it was almost enough to convince me that I wasn’t, in fact, ready to make a change.  This time was different, However: I took a second to realize that despite it’s size, the fear is hollow. I put my hands right up against its brittleness and for a long time I rested them there and tried to imagine the feeling of freedom.  It wasn’t long before I did it.  I pushed just a little bit harder – I leaned into the discomfort – I pressed a tiny little button – And the fear just vanished.  Nothing came crashing down, nothing pushed back, nothing was left in shambles on the floor.

It was just me, letting it go.  And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was happy to just let it happen.

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on…

Lyrics from “Let it Go” – Idina Menzel 

**Given A’s obsession with “Frozen,” I listen to the soundtrack from that movie almost non-stop.  Despite me having memorized the lyrics to most of the songs weeks ago, it was only yesterday that I noticed the song “Let It Go” speak to me, if you will.