Emotional Baggage

Little Black Rain Cloud

I’m trying so hard not to “rain on someone’s parade.”

Photo Credit: blogs.disney.com

I live in a small city and the 10K that I am running in a few weeks is quite popular; as such, a lot of people I know are running it.  Included in these people are quite a few of the O&G residents here. Since K works with these residents all the time, she tells me about the conversations she has with them about training, running times, practicing, etc.  A few times up until now, she has mostly told me about the things she says to them about being motivated to run and how the train.

Last night, however, she made a comment about how “[two residents] are coordinating their wardrobe for the run and [she] told them that we might have to provide them with some competition.”  I know that K is super excited that she is running this race (as am I), and she is surrounded by many people who are excited as well.  It is normal for everyone to pump each other up.  But for me, I don’t care at all about the residents who are running the race.  I don’t want to be “included” in a fun group with them because they are the very people who decided that I wasn’t a good fit with their group*.

I suspect that K doesn’t realize it bothers me so much.  She adamantly believes that the residents’ opinion had nothing to do with the match results (and she thinks that the residents really like me).  I think she thinks that by making me feel included, I will feel less “injured” about this whole situation.  She definitely thinks that including me in a friendly competition with the group that she is a part of at work (even though I am definitely NOT a part of it) will be fun… not bothersome.  I had to bite my tongue (well, my texting fingers) last night to prevent myself from saying something that would make her feel bad, or put her in an awkward position about how she should have fun in regards to the race.

I’m pretty sure she’s not the type who will want to “meet up” with everyone beforehand, or take a group picture, or whatever (I guess there is always a possibility that I am wrong about this).  The race is next weekend, and I am leaving tomorrow for Florida, which means that there is very little time to dwell on this stuff before the race actually happens.  And, when push comes to shove, I can just put a smile on my pretty little face and try not to let it ruin my experience.  But how do I do that gracefully, especially when I know  fear there is a chance that maybe it will become a huge group effort thing?  In which case, I would almost rather run the race myself than run it with K AND the residents.  It’s all just a big “what if?”

I know friends are supposed to be open with each other and be honest about what’s on their mind, but how do I do that without “raining on her parade?”  And I don’t think it is a super simple conversation to have with her, either.  She is, after all, a staff physician, which means that she is not privy to the “real” interactions and opinions among the residents.  I have a bit of a history among the residents – both good and bad – and while I’ve shared some of that with her, I have never told her all the stuff that has happened to make me feel unwelcome by them.  Plus, they all know that she’s my friend (and isn’t it just a little strange when a staff is close friends with a med student?), so I know they are never going to say bad stuff to her about me.  Given all of this, I feel like if I brought up my feelings about this now, it would really catch her out in left field… And, that’s not cool.

So where does that leave me?  I am looking forward to this being something fun that we share together.  I am worried that it’s not just going to be that.  I don’t want to make her feel awkward. And, I am leaving tomorrow.  My gut tells me to be honest, but it also tells me to just let this one go.

*Another staff physician who has been around for a very long time, and who is someone I really trust, told me that she heard the reason that I didn’t match here was because “I wasn’t a good fit with the residents.”  I told this to K, and she absolutely didn’t believe it.  I don’t really know what to make of it, but given certain history (here and here), it wouldn’t surprise me…

6 thoughts on “Little Black Rain Cloud

  1. Ugh, I feel your pain. We have a similar thing at work, where people want to dress up and do silly things at employee appreciation, etc . We get along OK, but it’s not perfect and I definitely do not like that type of thing.

    Here’s hoping you get through OK and accomplish your race goal.

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    1. I get the feeling that more people dislike that kind of stuff and participate only because they think they have to.

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  2. I hate the hospital politics of med school. Hate it hate it. I had a lot of stress trying to get along with all the residents on my OB/GYN rotation, and I can’t imagine how much worse it would’ve been if I’d been trying to match there.

    I hope that the race turns out OK, and you’re able to not dwell on it too much! Head off to Florida and enjoy your vacation. 🙂

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    1. Thanks for the advice 🙂 I did nothing about it and it was great. I’m also glad to hear that I’m not the only person who hate the politics around medical education. I’m interested to see what it’s like in my new department.

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