Emotional Baggage

Thanks for the Support, Mom

May 2014 be the best year ever for you, [DH], A, and E.  I bless you and your family with much love, health, joy, and peace !!!  I know you desire to intern in [current city] and have a new home .  I hope all your heart desires be fulfilled  . Love mom  xoxoxo

I received the above text message from my Mom early in January.  I wanted to believe she actually meant what she said, but it was hard to make that leap seeing has how she has made it painfully obvious that she wants me to move back home.  I think I really wanted to believe she meant it, because who doesn’t want the love and support of their own mother?

Regardless of my desire to believe she meant it, I know that deep down I never did.  Maybe it’s because she has never shown any kind of genuine happiness or support for any of my life decisions?  Times that she wasn’t afraid to show her disappointment include major events such as; getting engaged, getting pregnant, being accepted into medical school… the list goes on.  I didn’t know how, or if, I wanted to tell her, but I knew that I want to be happy on match day and I don’t want to pretend to be disappointed that I’m not moving home.  I also don’t want my exciting day to be ruined by her disappointment.  For those reasons, I decided to tell her about my rank list.

So, it’s no surprise that my mom was angry when I told her that I decided to rank this city higher on my list than my home town.  But what was the most upsetting part is that she refused to acknowledge that this was an incredibly difficult decision for me to make.  She basically told me that I’m being selfish and that I’m putting myself before my kids and my family, and that one day I will regret this decision and realize that I have made a huge mistake.  She even went to far as to blame K for my decision to stay here.  Because, “before [I] got pregnant and met her, it was [my] goal to get out out of this city and come home.”  But, once I met K, “[I] became obsessed with gynecology and with staying here.”

Eventually I just ran out of air and I ran out of any willingness to make her understand how hard it was to make this decision.  Of course I want to be close to my family, and of course I am sad that my kids will not grow up with their extended family close to them.  But do you really think I would just give that up for NO REASON?  Or even for such a shallow reason as being obsessed with one person?  I think what bothers me more than my mom’s disappointment, is that she has such a bad opinion of me that I would not have considered everything in this decision making process..

I’m not saying that she isn’t allowed to be disappointed, but at least she could try and realize that I made the decision that I felt was the best for me and my family, after considering all of the factors.  After all, what’s so wrong with wanting to have the love and support of my mother?

But I guess that’s why I have such a horrible self-esteem and self-acceptance problem in the first place…

5 thoughts on “Thanks for the Support, Mom

  1. I’m sure her intentions are well meaning, but it seems to me she, in a way, is being as selfish as she is accusing you of. In a perfect world families would all grow up together like a big happy commune, but this is life and this is reality. We grow up and make our own families. Decisions, wants, needs and desires change.

    I understand she would like to have you back, but in order for your family to be happy, you have to be happy — no pressure ;).

    Sorry that all this is going on with ya. ((hugs))


  2. My like is an empathy “like”. Unfortunately I know where you are coming from with this type of family relationship.


  3. I’m sure she’s not disappointed in you! That’s your interpretation of her childish behaviour, Ignore it, she’ll get over it.
    Our job as parents is to help our children grow into independent adults. It’s sad she can’t see how proud she should be for doing such a great job raising you, as well as pride for how wonderfully you are navigating this thing called adulthood, but unfortunately, she can’t see beyond her own selfish needs.
    I feel sorry for her. I like to think we all gain wisdom as we age, but it doesn’t sound like she has.
    Forgive her misguided ways, and let it go. Take it as a lesson so that you’ll know not to behave that way with your own children when they grow up.
    Stay strong.


  4. I started reading your blog from the beginning, and I can’t tell you how much I relate to so much of you. Even little things (like loving the dentist!), but more so the big things, like having mom issues. This post spoke straight to my soul. I love my mom so much and I have fought to have a healthy relationship with her my entire life, and I’m just now getting to a place of surrender, realizing that it’s not going to happen. But I’m still trying to pick up all the other broken pieces that it has caused, mainly my perception of myself (which directly plays into my entire career situation which is very complicated, but is how I stumbled on your blog). I could go on and on, but I just want to thank you for writing these words and for making me feel that I’m not alone on this journey.


    1. Thanks for reading my blog! It is always a little nice to know that someone understand what you’re going through. I hope that you’ve found many other interesting things on my blog and I’m always excited to have new readers! As for healing from your mom, I might recommend the book “Will I Ever be Good Enough.” It’s a book specifically for daughters of narcissistic mothers.


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