May 2014 be the best year ever for you, [DH], A, and E. I bless you and your family with much love, health, joy, and peace !!! I know you desire to intern in [current city] and have a new home . I hope all your heart desires be fulfilled . Love mom xoxoxo
I received the above text message from my Mom early in January. I wanted to believe she actually meant what she said, but it was hard to make that leap seeing has how she has made it painfully obvious that she wants me to move back home. I think I really wanted to believe she meant it, because who doesn’t want the love and support of their own mother?
Regardless of my desire to believe she meant it, I know that deep down I never did. Maybe it’s because she has never shown any kind of genuine happiness or support for any of my life decisions? Times that she wasn’t afraid to show her disappointment include major events such as; getting engaged, getting pregnant, being accepted into medical school… the list goes on. I didn’t know how, or if, I wanted to tell her, but I knew that I want to be happy on match day and I don’t want to pretend to be disappointed that I’m not moving home. I also don’t want my exciting day to be ruined by her disappointment. For those reasons, I decided to tell her about my rank list.
So, it’s no surprise that my mom was angry when I told her that I decided to rank this city higher on my list than my home town. But what was the most upsetting part is that she refused to acknowledge that this was an incredibly difficult decision for me to make. She basically told me that I’m being selfish and that I’m putting myself before my kids and my family, and that one day I will regret this decision and realize that I have made a huge mistake. She even went to far as to blame K for my decision to stay here. Because, “before [I] got pregnant and met her, it was [my] goal to get out out of this city and come home.” But, once I met K, “[I] became obsessed with gynecology and with staying here.”
Eventually I just ran out of air and I ran out of any willingness to make her understand how hard it was to make this decision. Of course I want to be close to my family, and of course I am sad that my kids will not grow up with their extended family close to them. But do you really think I would just give that up for NO REASON? Or even for such a shallow reason as being obsessed with one person? I think what bothers me more than my mom’s disappointment, is that she has such a bad opinion of me that I would not have considered everything in this decision making process..
I’m not saying that she isn’t allowed to be disappointed, but at least she could try and realize that I made the decision that I felt was the best for me and my family, after considering all of the factors. After all, what’s so wrong with wanting to have the love and support of my mother?
But I guess that’s why I have such a horrible self-esteem and self-acceptance problem in the first place…