Beautiful Mess

Last week was one of my messiest moments in recent time.  As I look back over everything that I went through, I still can’t believe I came out unscathed. I received a message from K as I sat in the airport waiting for my last flight home: She asked me how the rest of my interviews had gone and how my grandma is doing.  I answered her and we “chatted.” Nothing has changed (from what I can tell). My grandmother is home from the hospital.  She’s a little bit scared and down about what happened and the fact that she has been told she should use a walker, but she’s well nonetheless.  I came home with so much confusion about where to choose my residency position; however, after spending a few hours back “home” and talking it over with my husband, I came to realize that nothing has really changed since before I left.  I have made the decision to pick my current program as my first choice.

All this being said, I learned more than I care to learn about myself in a lifetime, let alone in one week.  I learned that I am still more vulnerable and filled with shame than I thought I was.  In fact, I learned that perhaps I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I think (I better get back to my Shame Project).  I also discovered that my friendship and my mentorship with K is so, so much more than that.  I’m not so sure that is a good thing, because I know it is all tied up in my vulnerability, my self-esteem, and the issues from my past; I need to work on my own problems and let that relationship be what it really should be. Finally, I also learned that I am someone worth having in a residency program.  At every interview, I felt like I was wanted and like the interviewers were excited to have me there.  I felt like I had important things to say and important reasons for why I should be their top choice.  I made people laugh, I made people think, and I gave answers to questions that I know conveyed mature thought and reasoning.  Somehow, I just have to work on making my insides match my outsides…

I know I said that I need to stop having fear.  I don’t take that back.  However, I think, perhaps, it is okay to feel fear, it’s just not okay to let the fear take over. 

“Fear in itself is not important, but fear stands there and points you in the direction of things that are important. Don’t be afraid of your fears, they’re not there to scare you; they’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”
~C. JoyBell C