Emotional Baggage

Beautiful Mess

Last week was one of my messiest moments in recent time.  As I look back over everything that I went through, I still can’t believe I came out unscathed. I received a message from K as I sat in the airport waiting for my last flight home: She asked me how the rest of my interviews had gone and how my grandma is doing.  I answered her and we “chatted.” Nothing has changed (from what I can tell). My grandmother is home from the hospital.  She’s a little bit scared and down about what happened and the fact that she has been told she should use a walker, but she’s well nonetheless.  I came home with so much confusion about where to choose my residency position; however, after spending a few hours back “home” and talking it over with my husband, I came to realize that nothing has really changed since before I left.  I have made the decision to pick my current program as my first choice.

The most beautiful moment of my week: Flying over the mountains with the sunset on the horizon.
The most beautiful moment of my week: Flying over the mountains with the sunset in the distance.

All this being said, I learned more than I care to learn about myself in a lifetime, let alone in one week.  I learned that I am still more vulnerable and filled with shame than I thought I was.  In fact, I learned that perhaps I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I think (I better get back to my Shame Project).  I also discovered that my friendship and my mentorship with K is so, so much more than that.  I’m not so sure that is a good thing, because I know it is all tied up in my vulnerability, my self-esteem, and the issues from my past; I need to work on my own problems and let that relationship be what it really should be. Finally, I also learned that I am someone worth having in a residency program.  At every interview, I felt like I was wanted and like the interviewers were excited to have me there.  I felt like I had important things to say and important reasons for why I should be their top choice.  I made people laugh, I made people think, and I gave answers to questions that I know conveyed mature thought and reasoning.  Somehow, I just have to work on making my insides match my outsides…

I know I said that I need to stop having fear.  I don’t take that back.  However, I think, perhaps, it is okay to feel fear, it’s just not okay to let the fear take over. 

“Fear in itself is not important, but fear stands there and points you in the direction of things that are important. Don’t be afraid of your fears, they’re not there to scare you; they’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”
~C. JoyBell C

9 thoughts on “Beautiful Mess

  1. I’m glad your grandmother is doing better. I think your last sentence is spot on. Sure, it might be nice to be fearless but that is a tall order. Use your fear and channel it into something productive; as you said, don’t let it control you.

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  2. I’m really sorry things have been so incredibly difficult for you! Also, I think I read (from some wise someone-or-another) that bravery isn’t never feeling scared, it’s feeling scared but pushing through anyway. Being vulnerable is challenging and very scary, and life and all of its uncertainties/tragedies can be downright terrifying, but you’ve made it this far (and you have blogged this much!), so I think you have far more bravery and strength than you think you do. (Dear Cranky Giraffe’s Self-Esteem, kindly consider all that Cranky Giraffe has been through and realize she’s got some commendable nerve and excellent character despite it all. Yours, Allie)

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  3. What an amazing view from the plane window. Little moments of beauty and peace like that can be stored away as ammunition….to combat days full of doubt and fear.

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