My Grandmother is in the hospital right now. I am sitting in an airport terminal waiting to get to her. She’s actually been in the hospital for two days and I was almost going to miss one, or even two, of my interviews to get to where she is. The problem that I have when my family gets sick is that no one really knows what’s going on, and they default to me. I’m supposed to know, I’m the “doctor” in the family.
There was no exception to this despite the fact that I’m in the middle of my residency interviews. Two days ago I was about to board a plane and my sister called me to tell me that my grandma was hallucinating and that my mom found her in her house completely delirious… But no one had taken her to the hospital. I called my mom and told her that she NEEDED to get her to a hospital. Now. She hummed and hawed until I threatened her: “If you are not at the hospital when my plane lands, I will change my travel plans, come there, and bring her myself.” I guess it was a challenge to get her in the car, but at least when I turned my phone on after my flight, I got a message that she was at the hospital.
But, it didn’t end there. I then had to talk to the doctor over the phone, because my mom was freaking out and getting mad and overwhelmed. So I did that too. And then yesterday, before going to my interview, I had to call the hospital again and talk to her nurse to get the story straight for my mom, because she was freaking out again. Instead of flying to where I am now, I was just going to skip today’s interview and go straight there. But I didn’t, because it turns put that my mom actually realized that she could handle e situation without me for one more day. Luckily, my last interview is in my hometown, so I will be there until Saturday and can hopefully get things sorted out.
Despite the drama, I was scared for my grandma. On top of everything else going on in my life and in my head this week, I was scared that something horrible was going to happen, and that there was a chance that I could have seen her one last time, but I chose to go to an interview (at place that I’m probably not even going to consider now that the interview is over) instead.
I also realized that I had a real reason to have fear: losing my grandmother. Maybe the effect in this post is lost a little because I prescheduled most of the other posts that I had this week. I’ve had irrational fears over something so intimately tied to my low self worth, that it seems like the important stuff doesn’t matter… But I’ve been really afraid for my grandmother and that is legitimate.