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Fear and Faith

Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty
~Brene Brown

I am afraid. I am uncertain. I am freaking out and it’s because I fail to have faith. I’ve always believed that faith referres to spirituality or religion, and I don’t really consider myself a religious person. However, Brene Brown talks a lot about faith and what we should really take it to mean. I have to believe that the things I cannot control will be okay. I have to believe that I’ll be able to handle things if they are not okay. That is having faith.

So how do I find faith? I imagine myself sitting in a quiet room and searching deep inside my soul for something that should be there. I envision myself finding faith and feeling a sudden release: a sudden sense of serenity. Unfortunately, I don’t think it is that easy. I am sure that finding faith involves working hard at battling the feelings and emotions that oppose faith.

In her chapter on finding faith, Brene Brown describes how she responds to the uncertainty of “not knowing” something: “it’s anxiety and fear and vulnerability combined.” This is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I am filled with uncertainty and it makes me anxious. I fear for the worst and I know I am vulnerable being in this situation. I am lacking faith, completely.

If I step back and evaluate my situation, I am probably blowing it out of proportion in my head. After all, I haven’t done anything wrong, I’ve just let out my innermost feelings. If she does, somehow, find my blog, then she’s the one with a choice, not me. If she makes a choice to be angry at me for what I say on my blog (and everything I say about her is flattering, if anything), then that’s her prerogative. Firstly, why should she be angry, and second of all, if she would be angry, then she’s not the person I thought she was.

So, why do I think she’s angry? Because in my whole life, the role model she is replacing in my life (my mother) is always angry and disappointed in me. This is what I expect from the woman whom I’ve disappointed my whole life – I just expect that I will disappoint her too. That’s my fear, real yet unfounded. I am afraid of losing a friend and a mentor, too. I am ashamed of something that I shouldn’t be ashamed of, and I am vulnerable because I have poured my heart and soul out into this blog.

When I step back and evaluate the situation, I don’t even know if she bothered trying to find my blog after this all happened. It would be hard to find, but possible nonetheless. My rational, gut instinct tells me that she hasn’t searched for it yet. The rational being inside of me says that she might be surprised about what she finds, but probably not angry. The rational side of me says that hiding my blog is not the answer.

My blog is who I am. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I am, even if I’m still ashamed of it in “real life.” I need to abandon shame and I need to be proud of myself. I need to realize that it’s okay to make mistakes and mistakes don’t mean the end. I need to believe that I am worth more than that.

I need to abandon fear and instead, find faith.

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