Mommy Stuff

Big, Big Decision.

On our little vacation, DH and I sat down and had “the conversation” that we’ve been putting off for a while.

The Baby #3 conversation.

Here’s the Coles Notes Summary:

Yes, we both want another baby.  We love watching our boys grow up, they are both such interesting and individual people, and a third would just add so much more to our lives.  Plus, it would really be nice to have a girl… (fat chance of that, though)

However, DH has no guarantee of a job when he is finished his board exams in September.  While my residency salary will be roughly equivalent to what we get now through his training grant and my loans, we will have a few other extra expenses (like paying off loans, and the practically double-mortgage on our new house) that we don’t have now.  Worst case scenario is that he works as a “plain veterinarian” and that would still push our household income into the 6 figures.  But, that isn’t guaranteed either, it could still take months for him to find that job in our city, and it’s not what he really wants to do.

And then, I start residency.  I’ve got the having kids in medical school, time management for studying/parenting under pretty good control, but I don’t know what to expect in residency.  Everyone I’ve talked to (K, O&G residents who have had babies in residency, etc.) have said that I either do it in first year or wait until fourth year.  DH said he doesn’t want to have 6 years between E. and the next baby. So it has to be next year

I also had quite a few complications in my last pregnancy, I almost had to take a leave from school, and the worst complication presented an increased risk of unexplained, late-term still-birth.  That complication has a 60% recurrence rate in subsequent pregnancies.  That means a high likelihood of another complicated pregnancy with an early induction.

So basically: Baby #3 is a now or never kind of thing.  I have no idea what it will mean for my training, or what kind of pregnancy I will have.  And, I’m pretty convinced that another boy is in the cards.  Given the shenanigans that happen with two boys, I’m not sure I can handle three.  If only I could be guaranteed a girl…

So, right now I have a huge decision to make.  If we want to have a baby while I’m in first year of residency, we need to start trying in a few months.  Well, that sounds like I still have some time to think about it, right?  Except that I have an IUD, and that would need to come out now just to make sure that everything is in working order in a few months.  I feel like the decision to have it taken out is the final, definitive answer to this decision.

I am just so unsure this time around.  The last two times, I knew I wanted them, regardless of what challenges we faced.  Does that mean I don’t want this baby as much?

I need some objective advice here…

9 thoughts on “Big, Big Decision.

  1. I wish I had some objective advice, but I am childless and don’t think I’d be of much help. I wish you the best in whichever direction you go. {{hugs}}

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  2. There are no guarantees about gender, but the odds are literally 50/50 with every conception. Have you considered adoption? Having raised both sons and daughters I can tell you boys are generally busier as toddlers, but girls make up for it from about 12 years on with drama and a less easy transition to maturity.
    The bigger issue, personally, is why you and your husband want more children? Hopefully it is to give yourselves to the nurturing and shaping of another wonderful human being, not to check off the girl box in on an unwritten life list. Kids are notoriously inconvenient, but amazingly fulfilling.
    Best wishes to you in this decision.

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    1. I think we want to have another kid for many of the right reasons. I think we are prepared for another boy and we are both expecting that. However, a girl would be nice and I would be lying if I said that I wouldn’t be a little motivated by the possibility.
      Like I said n another comment, I am having so much angst over this decision because I am literally 50/50 about the pros and cons. I also addressed the adoption thing in that same comment!
      Thanks for reading!

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  3. Wow, that’s a tough decision to make! *hugs*

    Only being a first year student, I don’t feel as though I can offer sound advice about when to have a baby… But have you ever considered adoption? I know it’s not quite as magical as making your own baby, but you’re going to make a huge difference in that little one’s life! Plus, you can vie for a girl in the age range you’d like, which takes the pressure off your gender Punnett squares and biological clock…

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    1. It is a tough decision and the hardest part, I think, is that either decision would be okay. I feel like the pro/com list is 50/50 both ways. I’m a huge proponent for adoption, but despite how much pregnancy and I don’t agree, there is something beautiful about having a baby inside of you. Given that I have no problems getting pregnant, I feel that I would be adopting a kid for the wrong reasons: because I’m “too lazy” to have my own rather than because I can’t have them or that I really really care to adopt for a social reason.

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  4. For us,the decision to have a third child was harder than the decision for a second. Lots of things went through our minds, mostly practical stuff like if our house was big enough, could we fit 3 car seats? As my husband is a stay at home dad, having another child would a) cement his decision to not return to work, but b) make it more hectic for him on a day to day basis. However he is much better at multi-tasking than I am!!

    Your situation is much different. Both of you have careers and wish to work. I would say that taking a leave in your second year of residency makes the most sense, as its less than half-way through your training (assuming its 5 years) and before you get into the nitty gritty of the surgical aspects of O&G.

    Just my $0.02.

    Good luck with making the final decision. Our decision was kind of made for us as we had the “oops” happen. 😉

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    1. It does seem more like a practicality decision this time around. Unfortunately, most O&G programs have heavy core surgical rotations in second and third year so all the advice I get is to have a baby before or after that. If I didn’t already have two kids, I would wait till later when I have a better idea of what the demands are like and where my career is going. However, with the two I have now, that means having a baby when my youngest is 6 or older… and I just don’t know if we want to have that kind of spread between our kids. Ugh! LIfe is tough sometimes!

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      1. Indeed, the decision is tough. If you both really want a third and don’t want the age difference to be vast, then I say just go for it! (But, I’m an enabler like that, and all my kids are exactly 29 months apart.)

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