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Never Enough

We were on a trip somewhere, and it was fairly short.  I don’t recall the specific details about it all.  I do know, though, that she was there for me, to spend time with me, and it was very important to me that she was there.  I had to drive her to the airport at the end of the trip and while we were in the car, she gently placed her hand over top of mine where it was perched on the gear shift.

She slowly wrapped her fingers around and under to the palm of my hand, lifted it up and then wove her fingers in between mine.  The shock of this maneuver took my eyes off of the road and when I looked at her face, she showed a gentile and loving smile.  I don’t remember exactly remember what she said to me, but it was something like, “there are many ways to show love and kindness in this relationship.”  Her eyes seemed child-like and seductive as she said this.

This was the first time I’d ever held a woman’s hand in a romantic sort of way, and it felt so right.  It felt natural and exactly how I imagined it would feel.

And then I woke up from my dream.

In my immediate, just woken state, I was happy.  But, as I became more awake and aware, I was just confused.  I’ve never been one to make much of dreams, but I’ve always believed that they represent some form of our unconscious thoughts and desires.  So, what do I make of it?  What does it mean?

*A few weeks ago she passed by me in the hallway.  I was talking to my preceptor and she didn’t interrupt me.  Instead, she placed her hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it as she walked by.  Then she turned around and gave me a small wink and a smile.

*After my crazy talk email, she invited me to her house to talk about what I was feeling.  I told her everything.  I was more honest than I’ve ever been with her about how important she’s been in my life.

*A few days ago she asked me to be her first assist for a section.  She was patient with me and taught me how to be a good assist.  I was acutely aware of how close we were standing.  I lingered on the feeling of her hands brushing against mine as we performed surgery.  She let me close the skin and afterwards gave me a high five and congratulated me for how well I did for my first time.

*And then I had this dream.
I wonder, again, what it all means.  I wonder if what I have will ever be enough.

One thought on “Never Enough

  1. I had a dream the other night I was getting married to not one, but two women and I couldn’t find my wedding dress. Dreams are tres-bizarre.

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