Happy to Cry

This week I’ve had to work hard to fight back the tears.  I wasn’t always successful, either.

It is hard not to cry when I think about how much I miss my boys and my home.  Tonight is the only night there hasn’t ben a fight to keep it inside and I know it’s because I’m going home tomorrow.  But every night this week, I could feel them sitting there, just waiting to pour down my face.

Monday little A. asked me if “today is Friday” because I told him the day before that I was coming home on Friday.  “No, honey, it’s not Friday yet.”

“Okay Mommy.  I Love you lots.  I’ll talk to you later.”

Tears.

Random pictures from my husband of the boys at the park, eating dinner, in the bath, etc.

More Tears.

A message from K asking me how the elective is going and me replying by saying, “it’s going okay, but I never imagined I would miss my boys this much.”

Tears, Tears, Tears.

A potluck lunch where someone brought their 14 month old son, who reminded me ever so much of little E.

Tears at Work.

I didn’t cry last week at all.  Maybe it’s because not enough time had passed to really make me miss them enough to cry about it.  I suspect, however, that may not be the only reason.  It seems that suddenly, almost instantly after stopping my medications, I could feel so much more powerfully.

I thought at first that it was a mistake to have stopped the meds so abruptly.  But I thought about it more and I figured that I have such a real and legitimate reason to be sad:  This is the longest time, ever, that I have been away from my kids.  I am not sad about anything else, and for the most part I am enjoying my time here on my elective.

I am allowed to be sad about missing my kids.  I am allowed to fear that I am letting them down.  I am allowed to cry when the emotions are too strong to keep inside.

Despite missing my boys intensely, I am happy to cry over it.  I feel like crying means I care.  Crying means I have love and attachment and emotion.  Crying means that I am feeling everything I really should be feeling at a time like this.

I am happy to cry this week because it has helped me to realize that I have the capacity to feel.  That is just one thing I seem to have lost over the past few months of being medicated.

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