I woke up this morning feeling amazing. I felt well rested, I was looking forward to starting the day, I was ready to make this last week of elective as educational and rewarding as I could. As I walked to the hospital this morning, I had a fantastic spring in my step and I had to resist the urge to dance to the music I was listening to. For all intents and purposes, my day was off to a fantastic start.
I’m not exactly sure why I was feeling to great this morning but I do know that I weaned myself off of my anti-anxiety medication over the weekend. In the past, when I’ve taken medication, I found it very helpful in the beginning while I was working through some of the issues I faced and then it would suddenly become obvious that the medication was hampering my positive mood and my further progress. This time, I’m sure is the same. I started the medication in February and I was on a fairly low dose for most of the medication course. A few weeks ago I was feeling quite low, tired, more irritated, almost depressed. The decision was made for me to try increasing the dose. So I did.
It’s been a few weeks on the higher dose and I’ve noticed a slight improvement in my mood, but the side effects have been horrible. I don’t know if I can completely attribute the improvement in mood to the increased dose, either. At the same time that I increased my dose, I was also on vacation and had more time to relax and to do the things I enjoy. I was back at work for one week (still on internal), but it was a short week and then I came on my elective and have been really quite enjoying myself here (despite missing my kids). As a result of the increased side effects, i decided to try discontinuing the meds and see if maybe it’s just time for me to be done with them.
So, maybe being off the medications today is the beginning of me feeling better without all the side effects. Maybe it has to do with my excitement over the recent K events from last week. Maybe it’s a combination of a few factors… only time will tell if this is going to be a permanent change.
Unfortunately, it’s now after lunch, the day is half done, and I feel my excitement wearing off. I didn’t drink my coffee this morning (because the B&B makes gross coffee and I decided it wasn’t worth the milk/sugar calories that I put into it). Maybe that is having an impact… I’m beginning to feel a little bored at my elective and I’m not learning as much as I did last week, and maybe that has something to do with it. I also had a somewhat interesting messaging conversation with K. As per my little resolution, she actually contacted me and we just started chatting. It was about nothing important – just some of my ideas and observations from this elective. Nonetheless, I feel kind of stupid and unhappy about the whole thing. Looking back over it, I have no reason to feel like that, really. It’s just in my nature to feel judged. I need to get over it. Maybe it’s time to bet back into my “shame project” reading.
Sometimes I think I need to have a genuine “heart to heart” with K about her role as my personal mentor and role model (as opposed to just a professional mentor). I often think that if she just knew, like really knew, how I feel and how I think, it would make a difference. I think I know, however, that such a conversation would only make it worse. I don’t know why I do this to myself.
All in all, my day started out great and I felt better than I have in months. I don’t really know the reason why. My good feeling dissipated throughout the day and I don’t really know why. Why is life never so cut and dry?