Emotional Baggage

No More

I’ve been away from home for 5 nights now.  It’s getting harder to stave off the feelings of loneliness and the sadness of missing my kids.

I know she’s on my mind so much because I’m lonely.  It always happens that way.  Loneliness is my trigger and K is my remedy.  The only problem is that she’s not really the best remedy.

She doesn’t give me everything that I want because, really, she doesn’t know that I rely on her so much.  I think I disappoint myself because I constantly fixate on the one thing that I don’t have.  She can’t fix my problems, she can’t cure my loneliness.  Only I can do that.  I want her to think of me more, to make me at least half of the priority that I make her.  Ironically enough, she probably has her priorities straight.  I don’t.

Just in case she’s not already on my mind enough because of my admiration of her, I’m now in a different city, observing the same kind of work that she does every day.  Only, it’s not her.  Flipping through ultrasound images, I think of her doing the same thing 600Km away.  Uterine artery dopplers, and MCA flow velocities… same thing, and maybe worse.  That’s what she does, it’s strange for me to watch someone else do it.  I reminisce about the time I was on elective with her, watching her do all the same things.  What’s wrong with me?

Then I come back to my little room and pull out the Fetology textbook… the one she lent me for this elective.  And every night I want to message her to tell her about all the awesome things I saw.  And I want to thank her for letting me use her book.  And I want that all to be the excuse for me to talk to her.

Today she had knee surgery.  Before I left for this trip I gave her a small package of “my favorite things” to help her get through her surgery.  It was silly, really.  A box of jello, my favorite book, some toy cars for her boys, cool nail polish… a few other things, all with little sticky notes explaining their significance.  I told her not to open it until before her surgery.  All day I thought about how she was doing and I wanted to let her know that she was on my mind.  I want to know if she remembered to open the package.  I want to know if she liked it.  I know she’s okay.  And I texted her last night to wish her good luck with everything today.  It was a short conversation and I wanted it to be more… but it wasn’t.  She didn’t say anything about the gift.  Where does that leave me?

It leave me at a resolution: A resolution for no more K on this elective.  I can’t be disappointed when I don’t get what I want from her.  I’ve been through this before.  And when this happens, it only gets worse: I only get mad at her for not being what I need.  She doesn’t deserve that.  No more texting, no emails, no thinking up reasons to get in touch with her.  If I’m lucky maybe she’ll think about getting in touch with me to see how my elective is going.  But, I have to be okay with the fact that she probably won’t.

Maybe by the time I am ready to go home, I will have gotten to a point where I stop hoping that every message on my phone might be from her.  It seems like a long time away.

5 days down, 8 more to go.  Not even half-way.  I have to stop now because if I don’t, my loneliness will only get worse.

I need a new remedy.

3 thoughts on “No More

  1. Hey, stopped by to say thanks for the pingback and read your post…it seems we are going through the exact same thing right now! Only my KM is a male mentor…I’ve sort of been in a trance and I’ve begun to ask myself…who in my past life am I substituting this person for? For me it’s my father..he died when I was 15. I’m learning (my counsellor is helping me through this), that this man is ‘familiar’ to me….and ‘familiar’ is not always healthy. Learning to take a step back (as you seem to be trying to do, as well), and be a non judgemental observer…..good luck on your journey, and stop by anytime! 🙂

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    1. Hello! Welcome to my blog! I’ve written extensively about KM and what she means to me and what I know about why I admire her… For some of the same reasons you mention, too. If you want, you should click on my KM tag and read all about it!

      Like

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