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Cranky Search Terms: 2nd Edition

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Well, it has certainly been a while since I sifted through my search terms. I have occasionally come across some funny ones when I take the time to glance at my stats and this post has been a long time coming. Having the word “giraffe” in my blog title yields many search terms about giraffes. Regardless, I am always amused by the combinations people come up with. So, here are the top 10 search terms from the last few months:

1. giraffe philosophy of love

This sounds a little granola to me… In general, any reference to a “philosophy of love” causes me to imagine groups of people with long braided hair and flowy dresses and worn out Birkenstock sandals passing around a small rolled joint. Maybe I’m judgemental, I don’t know. But, a giraffe philosophy of love, I’d like to know how you can qualify that. I have to remember that these are google search terms, so perhaps this person was actually wondering the same thing that I’m wondering about…

2. mother in law is very cranky

Oh dear. I know this all too well. I’m sorry that you did not find any reliable or useful information on this topic here on my blog. Sadly, I think there are only 2 ways to deal with this (aside from just tolerating it): Divorce or Death (yours or hers). I am aware that neither of these are the most pleasant options, so most of us just tolerate it. Words of advice: the worst thing you can do it be cranky back. Most mother-in-laws have a good 20+ years of cranky experience on us. As such, we will never win that competition. Good luck, my friend.

3. the ultimate infant experience

Now this sounds interesting. Are we talking about experiencing the “infant lifestyle” or are we talking about experiencing the “new mom of an infant lifestyle?” As a mother of two, I can confidently say that the latter of these experiences in not really as wonderful as you might think. Very rarely do you actually get to sleep soundly with your baby sleeping peacefully on your chest as you cuddle him for hours on end. Those pictures on the Internet… Totally misleading. Now, if we are talking about the infant experience, then you might have something there. Sleep all day, wake up to eat, summon someone for your every want and desire, and never lift a finger. Sounds fantastic! I think my only problems would be feeling completely helpless. Although, if I was an infant, I probably wouldn’t know any better, so maybe it wouldn’t be a problem.

4. garlic on teeth and endorphins

Is this supposed to be an oxymoron? Endorphins are meant to attract people to you… In a seductive way. I can confidently assure you that garlic on your teeth will do the complete opposite. And, putting garlic directly on your teeth, well that’s something I’ve never heard of. One thing that comes to mind is the desire to fool a vampire. Perhaps you want to cavort with a vampire, wear fake vampire teeth, smear them with garlic cloves, and then fool them with seductive endorphins Toluca them in. Then, BAM! You would bite them with your garlic coated teeth. Okay, in all seriousness, what’s probably the most confusing is how this search led to my blog…

5. speculum slowly entered her

I don’t know what to make of this. It sounds somewhat erotic but in a very, very wrong way. I want it to sounds erotic, but I just can’t. It’s like it could be a scene out of an erotica pocket novel. What bothers me the most, I think, is that someone is searching for this. I can almost guarantee that a man searched for this. Why, do you ask? Well, any woman who has ever had a Pap smear or a speculum exam would say that it is one of the most uncomfortable and dreaded experiences, ever. I certainly can’t imagine any woman wanting to re-live this experience, even if it is through google. I can attest to this desire to never re-live a speculum exam: in the past 6 weeks, I performed more spec exams than I feel good about. All those poor women that I had to inflict that discomfort on… Yup, certainly nothing erotic about a speculum slowly entering her…

6. do people actually have giraffe fighting rings?

I actually had to google this. I was very confused about what a giraffe fighting ring was. In my head I was imagining a ring for fingers, much like a brass knuckle or something, but it didn’t seem to make sense. My google search brought me to this article on “The Onion.” Really? I am not surprised that The Onion would write something like this, but I am kind of surprised that someone would question it’s reality. C’mon people? A fighting Giraffe pit in the middle of Suburban USA? I shake my head. First, use common sense. Second, check your sources (or maybe that’s what you were doing by going to google?).

7. boob+jokes

I’m sorry to disappoint. There are no boob jokes on my blog. All reference to boobs on this blog are in the context of breast feeding. I am pretty sure that breast feeding is the last thing this person wants to see (if I had to judge based on the actual search term). I mean, if you want to joke around about breasts I’m sorry – boobs – then breast feeding is probably disturbing to you (sadly). I’m also willing to bet that you had to scroll pretty far through the google pages to find my blog. This is a sign of one of two things… Either you have told so many other boob jokes that the most common ones are not new to you, or you have a disgusting and disturbing sense of humour and the most common boob jokes just don’t cut it for you. Either way, unless you are a pubescent male, please grow up. And if you are a pubescent male, I hope you grow up fast and don’t turn out to be a disrespectful chauvinistic man.

8. jesus giraffe template

???Template for what? Jesus? Giraffe? A giraffe version of Jesus? I’d like to see this Jesus Giraffe, I am having a difficult time envisioning this image in my head. And back to the template: what kind of template? Are you planning to build a statue, paint a picture, make a robot, establish a new religion? Regardless, I am still confused (and somewhat intrigued).

9. I love my giraffe and want to marry it what do I do?

Okay, I’m not sure where to start. I guess, first, is this giraffe real, imagined, stuffed, or something else? Next, how old are you? I think my three-year old son might think that marrying his stuffed giraffe would be fantastic, but he’s 3. I would venture to guess that you are older than him, and at least old enough to use a computer and spell appropriately. So, my next question is, have you talked to anyone about this? Mental health is really not something to joke around about, seriously. However, if you seriously believe that you want to marry a giraffe, whether real or imagined, I think it might be worth at least talking to someone about it. Unfortunately, I don’t think you can actually marry a giraffe. Maybe “giraffe” is a nickname or pet name for the person you love, then please, go ahead and follow the normal processes for marrying this person. I fear, however, that this may not be the case based on the structure of your search term. So, what should you do? I think you should start by talking to your health care provider…

10. why aren’t people nice to me

Hmmm… Are you nice to other people? In general, I think the most likely reason that people aren’t nice to you is because you aren’t nice to them. Remember the golden rule? Sadly, the golden rule doesn’t always apply (and I’ve experienced this, which is probably why this search landed you on my blog), in which case, it’s not everyone who is mean, just some people. And, usually those people just really get under your skin and make you angry. Maybe that’s more intense of an answer that you’re looking for. If all people aren’t nice to you, I am fairly confident that its because you aren’t a very nice person in general. Oops, there I go being mean to you too. It’s just the truth. I’m sorry.
Well, there you go, the top 10 best/most entertaining Cranky Giraffe search terms from the past few months. I hope you all enjoyed my interpretations and answers to these searches. I hope I’ve been helpful, at least to someone.

2 thoughts on “Cranky Search Terms: 2nd Edition

  1. I never find anything interesting in my search terms. I wonder if I’m looking in the right place. For example, yesterday it just came up as ‘Bing.’ I’m confused, I thought Bing was a search site, not a search term..


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