I feel like a broken record. I feel like I go through this every once in a while. I have a moment of progress, or confidence, of decent self esteem. But, then I doubt. I feel bad about myself, I want to shirk away from everything and everyone and I wonder what the hell I was thinking about when I thought I could do this.
I’m sitting at this conference now and I feel like a phoney. I was excited to come and interact with my friends from the program at my university. Instead, I am sitting here feeling judged, feeling like I don’t belong here, feeling like I am disliked and unwanted here. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t get over it. I know I need to stop going back to this place. I know I do.
I spent quite a long time texting with K last night. I had an interesting little interaction with her earlier in the day but she had to go back to work and we couldn’t really finish. She texted me while I was at the airport and asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. Initially I said “no,” but after thinking about it for my whole flight, I decided to just jump in and say what I was thinking. It was all okay, and like the wonderful mentor that she is, she assured me that I am fine.
And I am fine. I just wish I could hold onto that confidence much more and on my own.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, who knows. But I do know that I feel like everyone is wondering why I’m here, what I’m doing, and irritated by me. I feel like they all want me gone, that they talk to me because they don’t want to be rude…
I have so many insecurities and I don’t know how to get rid of them for good. I wish that when I get into an elevator with a group of people that I know, I don’t instantly feel awkward as I wonder why there aren’t more smiles or more greetings. Is it me or is it them? I’m inclined, always, to think its me and then I get into this funk. I think about (and ruminate on) all the possible reasons why people are thinking badly about me… Why I am making them uncomfortable, what I’ve done wrong, and why I don’t deserve their friendship or respect.
I know this is unhealthy for me. This is my habit. This is my pathology. I am trying to change it, and most of the time I feel like I’m making progress. But then days like today come along and shatter all my progress to the ground. How do I stop this cycle? I need a real answer.