All Posts · Emotional Baggage

Old Habits Die Hard

I feel like a broken record. I feel like I go through this every once in a while. I have a moment of progress, or confidence, of decent self esteem. But, then I doubt. I feel bad about myself, I want to shirk away from everything and everyone and I wonder what the hell I was thinking about when I thought I could do this.

I’m sitting at this conference now and I feel like a phoney. I was excited to come and interact with my friends from the program at my university. Instead, I am sitting here feeling judged, feeling like I don’t belong here, feeling like I am disliked and unwanted here. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t get over it. I know I need to stop going back to this place. I know I do.

I spent quite a long time texting with K last night. I had an interesting little interaction with her earlier in the day but she had to go back to work and we couldn’t really finish. She texted me while I was at the airport and asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. Initially I said “no,” but after thinking about it for my whole flight, I decided to just jump in and say what I was thinking. It was all okay, and like the wonderful mentor that she is, she assured me that I am fine.

And I am fine. I just wish I could hold onto that confidence much more and on my own.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired, who knows. But I do know that I feel like everyone is wondering why I’m here, what I’m doing, and irritated by me. I feel like they all want me gone, that they talk to me because they don’t want to be rude…

I have so many insecurities and I don’t know how to get rid of them for good. I wish that when I get into an elevator with a group of people that I know, I don’t instantly feel awkward as I wonder why there aren’t more smiles or more greetings. Is it me or is it them? I’m inclined, always, to think its me and then I get into this funk. I think about (and ruminate on) all the possible reasons why people are thinking badly about me… Why I am making them uncomfortable, what I’ve done wrong, and why I don’t deserve their friendship or respect.

I know this is unhealthy for me. This is my habit. This is my pathology. I am trying to change it, and most of the time I feel like I’m making progress. But then days like today come along and shatter all my progress to the ground. How do I stop this cycle? I need a real answer.

8 thoughts on “Old Habits Die Hard

  1. I don’t know if this is a real answer, but I do think you’re on the way to stopping this cycle because you are aware of the repeating patterns, and you’re introspective. These are all stepping stones on the path to learning how not to let these thoughts run away and bring you down.
    You might find this depressing, but it took me until I was much older to become aware of how many times I have to repeat a fault before I learn how to stop it happening altogether. It’s like we have to be reminded over and over again.
    Analysing your feelings will help you remember the insights you’ve made, when it happens next time, and then it won’t last as long. Besides, I’m sure you’re tired. You’ve just finished a gruelling rotation and hopped on a plane to fly somewhere else, so of course you’re tired. My daughter always has these types of slumps when she’s tired, and we have an ongoing joke – my solution is, go to sleep!
    So, please have a good sleep. The world will be much friendlier when you wake up – I guarantee it.

    Like

    1. I’m sure you’re right, for the most part. I have some reasons to believe that maybe it’s not all in my head, but maybe they just get to me more since I am so tired. I will try to go to bed early now, but sharing a hotel room with 2 other people doesn’t make it that easy!

      Like

  2. Oh my, we have the same problem! Unfortunately, i don’t have an answer. But if it helps, know that there are people who like you in this blogosphere!! Me included 🙂 have a better day ahead! 🙂

    Like

  3. Well, I, for one, think you’re wonderful and not just because you’re sending me a fetus pen.

    I think what you’re talking about here is very common. At the very least, I know I struggle with the same kinds of feelings. And, as much as I want to say/think that I don’t care, I do.

    When I talk to people who know me well about this sort of thing, they always say that people behave the ways you’re describing because they feel threatened. It makes sense. You, of course, don’t mean for that to be the case, but they see a smart, ambitious (to name just two traits) woman and they worry about their own ability. ‘Best’ way for them to deal with that is to shut you out. (Because they’re not smart about it.)

    Like

    1. You know, I replied to this comment last night while I was waiting for my luggage at the airport. I can’t remember if I had this conversation with you or not, but on my awesome cheesecake and wine date with KM last week (which I’m still hoping to blog about), she said the exact same thing about people feeling threatened.

      I’m sure it is true and accurate. It’s just hard to imagine that someone could feel threatened by me.

      On a separate note, I am very excited to sent the Fetus pen! Hopefully it will be in the mail tomorrow!

      Like

      1. I have the same response when people tell me that others feel threatened by me. a) that it’s ridiculous; and b) threatened by me?

        I’ll never understand people.

        Like

  4. I’ve been surprised to find out how many people have deep and plentiful insecurities. I’m not saying everyone has them…but I do think that some people just deal with them/cover them in better/more productive way. I am an introvert and tend to overthink, so I think I tend to think too much about my own insecurities…in my mind, I over blow my own flaws and minimize other people’s. And that makes me forget that other people feel insecure abuot certain things. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any answers. Mostly, I try to remind myself qualities unique to me, things that make me “worth” someone’s time and, most importantly, I’ve learned not to compare myself to other people…this is the hardest part, but the most helpful, I think.

    Like

Tell me what you think, I'd like to know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s