I Wish You Could Know.

There is so much I wish you could know.  I don’t even know where to start.

Maybe I’ll start by saying that I think about you all the time.  Literally, all the time.  Sometimes I get sick of thinking about you and I get mad at myself.  I get mad at your for being on my mind and distracting me from the important stuff on which I really should be concentrating.  I know this is a problem in my head, because I’ve done it before.  I know there is no way to make it better… not now at least.

This week has been amazing because I am finally doing something that I absolutely love.  My first call shift on obstetrics saw me deliver 8 babies and I got no sleep. I stood on my feet for 27 hours and that wasn’t even the hardest part of my week.  Ironically, the most difficult thing I had to endure this week was knowing you were around and being anxious about how to handle that.

I don’t know what to do around you.  When we say hi, I don’t know how much of a conversation to have with you.  I know you’re busy, but I long for a little time to chat.  Not even that… I long for any kind of hint that you’re interested in what or how I’m doing.  I don’t want special treatment, but I want to be special.  I worry that you’re in an awkward position, but maybe I’m making it awkward.  I know I’m probably making it awkward for myself.

I need to get over this obsession I have with you.  It’s getting to the point where the anguish of wanting what I don’t have often overpowers the excitement I get from what I do have.  I wonder if it would be better if things just weren’t what they are.

I know I need to change how I think about things.  I know I need to gain more confidence around you.  I know I need to accept our relationship for what it is.  I know I need to be okay with what you have to offer me.

I just wish you could know everything that I’m afraid to tell you.

I wish you could know how much I need you.