There is so much I wish you could know. I don’t even know where to start.
Maybe I’ll start by saying that I think about you all the time. Literally, all the time. Sometimes I get sick of thinking about you and I get mad at myself. I get mad at your for being on my mind and distracting me from the important stuff on which I really should be concentrating. I know this is a problem in my head, because I’ve done it before. I know there is no way to make it better… not now at least.
This week has been amazing because I am finally doing something that I absolutely love. My first call shift on obstetrics saw me deliver 8 babies and I got no sleep. I stood on my feet for 27 hours and that wasn’t even the hardest part of my week. Ironically, the most difficult thing I had to endure this week was knowing you were around and being anxious about how to handle that.
I don’t know what to do around you. When we say hi, I don’t know how much of a conversation to have with you. I know you’re busy, but I long for a little time to chat. Not even that… I long for any kind of hint that you’re interested in what or how I’m doing. I don’t want special treatment, but I want to be special. I worry that you’re in an awkward position, but maybe I’m making it awkward. I know I’m probably making it awkward for myself.
I need to get over this obsession I have with you. It’s getting to the point where the anguish of wanting what I don’t have often overpowers the excitement I get from what I do have. I wonder if it would be better if things just weren’t what they are.
I know I need to change how I think about things. I know I need to gain more confidence around you. I know I need to accept our relationship for what it is. I know I need to be okay with what you have to offer me.
I just wish you could know everything that I’m afraid to tell you.
I wish you could know how much I need you.