All Posts · Emotional Baggage

Grumpy, Angry, or Something Inbetween

I have been in a strange state of mind this long weekend.  I can’t figure out exactly what I’m feeling.  I have definitely been grumpy and a little angry, but not completely both.  I also can’t really put my finger on what’s been bugging me, but I’m pretty sure it is a combination of a few things.

I know my mind has been irritated about KM.  For some strange reason whenever I get into this kind of funky mood, I always default to ruminating about K.  The constant battle I face is that I want her to be my friend more than a mentor.  I don’t really have any close friends where I live, so when I am down, I want someone to just call up and say, “hey, I need to chat.”  I want that person to be K and I get frustrated that it can’t be her.  I also get frustrated with myself that I keep wanting something that I can’t have.  And then I get frustrated with her because I’m not getting what I want from her, but I know that’s not her fault.  If I had a facebook relationship with her, it would say, “it’s complicated.”

I’ve been kind of getting to know this woman who lives a few houses down from me.  Her daughter is a few years older than A. and they play together every evening.  She’s a single mom and she’s in school, and she’s older, so we kind of have a lot in common.  Despite that, I never know what to say or what to talk about.  I feel like a boring friend/neighbour because I have nothing exciting to share.  I feel like I have nothing to offer except sarcasm and complaints.  We went out for drinks the other night because her daughter was at her dad’s house and my kids were asleep.  I had a good time, but I can’t shake the feeling that I was a boring date.

Tomorrow I start a new rotation for clerkship: Obstetrics and Gynecology.  You’d think that I’d be super excited to start this rotation, but I am nervous for a few reasons: (1) I want to make a good impression and I’m worried I’ll fall short.  (2) I am scared that I’ll realize that I don’t like the specialty as much as I have up until now, and if that happens, I have no clue what I want to do with my medical career.  (3) So far I have loved obs/gyne and I am sad that I only get to do 6 weeks of it before I have to go back to less exciting things like internal medicine and pediatrics.  Mostly, though, it is the first two that I’m most nervous about…

Starting this new rotation also means a ridiculous call schedule.  In the next 3 weeks, I have 6 call shifts (including a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).  I am scared that all hell will break loose in my home-life as I will probably not see my family for very much time at all.  I know A. doesn’t do well with me being away a lot.  E. is starting to self wean and this call schedule is sure to put a final end to nursing all together.  Then there is my husband, who has to pick up all the slack for me being an absentee parent.  It feels like resentment waiting to brew.

Anyway, I think those are the biggest things on my mind.  I think all the uncertainty and the unmet needs in my life produce this odd combination of anger (probably mostly at myself, even though I can’t recognize it) and disgruntled grumpiness.  Who knows!  Hopefully tomorrow will bring something new to the table…

5 thoughts on “Grumpy, Angry, or Something Inbetween

  1. This is your anxiety speaking. Tell it to go jump! You’ll rock. You’ve already proved yourself. Change your self talk into positives. KM will be my friend when the mentorship is over, you’ll make a good impression, you’ll love O & G, your home world will get stronger because of this time, and it’s not really that long when you look at the big picture.

    Go get ’em. You’ll be great!

    Like

    1. Thanks, Julie!
      Your words made me smile when I read them today. It was exactly what I needed to hear. And, knowing that someone, even from far away, is cheering for me, it sure made me feel so much better!

      Like

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