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Cranky Search Terms

I think my blog has been around long enough to begin the tradition of laughing at the search terms that bring traffic to my blog.  I was going to pick the top 10, but I just couldn’t narrow it down.  So, here are the 11 best (in my opinion) terms that brought people to search out The Cranky Giraffe:

11. Feeling cranky because of too much work

Darling, I wish I had an answer for you.  There is a reason I included the word “cranky” in the title of my blog:  I work too hard and, therefore, I am cranky.  There is no solution except to stop working.  I doubt, however, that this is an adequate solution.

10. Giraffe body bedsheets

Okay, so I actually saw a picture of *what I think* this person is looking for:  They are bedsheets with body and neck of a giraffe and the top of the neck is at the top of the bedsheets.  The net effect is that there is a person’s head where the giraffe’s head is supposed to be.  These look like awesome bedsheets; I can’t blame someone for searching these.  If, however, they are not the same thing sought out in the search, then it is not nearly as cool.

9. Cranky doctors at med school

Most doctors are cranky, most of the time.  If they don’t seem cranky to your face, it’s because they have perfected the art of appropriate bedside manner (or at least mastered enough of it to not make you feel bad about yourself as a patient).  As a med student, we get to see more of the doctors’ cranky sides, just by default really.  Most of the time it is harmless and funny.  Sometimes it is discouraging and builds cynicism.  But, there are also some doctors who are never cranky and this yields one of two thoughts: What’s wrong with them? or What’s wrong with me… can I ever be like them?

8. Having a affair with your dentist

First thing’s first, your grammar is horrible. “A” works when the next word starts with a consonant.  If the word starts with a vowel, use “an.”  This is a third grade (if not earlier) concept.  I suspect your dentist knows about this grammar rule and if they don’t I would worry about their shoddy education.  I wouldn’t trust him/her to put a drill in my mouth.  I further suspect that your affair may not last long if your grammar shortcomings are ever discovered… Oh, wait, never mind.  Clearly judgement wasn’t used initially by this dentist if s/he broke the code of professionalism and got down and dirty with you in the chair.  Oops, was that inappropriate?

7. I am mixing business with pleasure

Is this the same person as above?  Is this a dentist/secretary thing?

6. Pumping breasts in the toilet

Okay, I know in some places (Britain, maybe) the word toilet is synonymous with bathroom or restroom.  However, when I read this, I imagine that breasts are being pumped within (or into) the toilet bowl proper.  This is not recommended.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it is frowned upon.  If you have to pump breast milk in the bathroom because you can’t find a better place, please, please, keep your breasts as far away from the toilet bowl as possible.

5. Boobie problem kids

Do you mean Boobie and problem kids, or Boobie problem and kids?  Either way, this sounds like it might be an interesting story and I wish I could know what the outcome was.  Also, along with your friend who is having AN affair with his/her dentist, I might recommend you read “Eats, Shoots, and Leaves.”

4. Teenage penises

Every bone in my body is hoping this search term came from a pre-pubescent boy who is developing a little later than all his friends.  There is really no other reason that someone should be searching about teenage penises.  Also, I have no idea why my blog would come up…  I guess I should do the search myself.

3. Giraffe,s penis

Penises again, really?  Also, I’m pretty sure you meant to use an apostrophe (‘) and not a comma (,) in your search term.  Regardless, what is there that you need to know about the penis of a giraffe?  Are you hoping that the same genes that code the neck have some sort of effect on the penis?  Are you hoping you can bottle this property and sell it in massive SPAM emails to hopeless, gullible, middle aged men?  Hmmm… I should look into that…

2. My insides and outsides are very dry

I’m not sure I can help with that.  In fact, I don’t think I even know what you mean?  Are you dehydrated?  You should drink more water.  Is your skin scaly and itchy? You could also try some moisturizer. Those would be the best places to start.  Beyond that, I’m sort of at a loss…

1. Essay on my life as a giraffe

I MUST read this essay!  Also, I MUST meet this giraffe!  A giraffe who can write (with good grammar, I hope) is my kind of giraffe!  It’s either that or someone is extremely delusional.  I believe this type of delusion would fall under the category of bizarre delusions.  People can never really be giraffes, can they? (I hold strongly to the belief that everyone reading my blog knows that I am not really a giraffe)

Oh, shit, I’m sorry, did I burst someone’s bubble there?  Is it as bad as when you found out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?

Oops, did I ruin that one too?  I guess I should just stop now… (p.s. your parents were also the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy…)

9 thoughts on “Cranky Search Terms

  1. These terms are great! They make a case for not getting rid of the Oxford Comma. I was thrilled when I saw people were coming to my blog because of searching “Trixie Belden fan fiction.” I felt my work was done 🙂

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    1. I’m so glad that I have played an integral role in the happiness of your next few weeks. I will try to keep up the hard work!

      Like

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