All Posts · Medical School

Back To Reality

I have been “living” back in my hometown for about a week now.  I’ve been back quite a few times in the 6.5 years that I’ve lived away.  However, this time is  a little different:  I am working and not vacationing.  And, not only am I working, but I am doing the thing that I love to do and that I want to do for the rest of my life.  My perspective is a little different this time around.  The one thing that I hoped wouldn’t happen (or maybe deep down I was afraid it would happen) is actually happening: I am starting to feel like moving back home is the right decision that I need to make for me and my family.

I don’t know for sure why this decision is so difficult for me, but I do have my suspicions.  There are many, many things I love about my hometown and many many things I dislike about the place I live now.  However, there are a few very select things I love about where I live that I am hesitant to give up – and many of these things are the relationships I’ve made with the people and the department in which I hope to work.

At the end of the day, I know that it doesn’t matter where I do my residency because I will become a proficient physician, regardless.  Unfortunately, my head and my heart are in two completely different places.  I know, logically, that it makes the most sense for my personal life and my family for me to move back home.  But that logic doesn’t sit well with my emotional side at all.  I don’t like the perfect storm that is beginning to brew deep down in my core.

Ultimately I know that the decision is made by the residency matching service, but I still have to rank my first and second and lesser choices.  I still have some time to think about it, but that doesn’t make it easier to slide it to the back burner of my mind.  I know it is prominently on my mind now because I’m here.  I am learning about the program and seeing what it’s like being in the city again… and this time on terms that make me happy, not depressed.

I think I was hoping that while I was here for these two weeks I would find something about the program or the people here, or even about being back in the city that I really didn’t like.  So far, that’s not the case.  One day soon, after I’ve done more thinking, I will list all the criteria that is going into making this decision.  Until then, I will just have to keep ruminating about it and see if either my mind can win over my emotions or if my emotions can win over my mind.

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