Well, at least my sky is falling in pieces all around me.
I had my psychiatry oral exam today. We are supposed to be given stable patients who can give clear histories. This is to ensure that we are being fairly tested on our abilities to take appropriate psychiatric histories. Well, as luck would have it, my patient did not meat this criteria. I had a patient who was agitated, aggressive, who refused to answer my questions, and who would have angry outbursts. So right from the beginning, I was off my game. I couldn’t ask all the questions I was supposed to ask because the patient would get angry and say “I don’t want to talk about it” or, “why are you asking me these questions again?”
Without re-hashing the whole horrible ordeal, I will say that my “1 hour oral exam” turned into a 1 hour and 45 minute session of me flailing like a fish out of water, and my preceptor was a kid with a magnifying glass trying to fry me… Quite literally. She even admitted that the patient was uncooperative and then she was telling me straight out all the things I missed and did wrong. Oh, and then she was asking me questions on things at a level that is above what I am expected to know and then giving me facial expressions wrought with sympathy and pity… Along with the slight “head-tilt and nod” that is all too telling of the sentiment: “I’m sorry that this is turning out so horribly for you.”
It took all of my energy to hold in my tears until i got out of her door. I made it half way down the hallway before bursting into tears. I ran into one of my classmates and told her what happened. Of course, everyone else who had their oral exams today had wonderful experiences, with cooperative patients and preceptors who were friendly and helpful… Of course. I calmed down long enough to make it into a bathroom, just to sit on the toilet and burst into tears. I cried over this more than I have cried over anything in a long time.
And if that’s not bad enough, my broken ego and my stupid brain have to sit down for 2.5 hours tomorrow morning and write my psychiatry shelf exam, which I’ve been completely unable to focus on preparing for. My performance as a medical student is beginning to tank and I don’t know why… I’ve even been working so hard and doing well in each individual rotation. I’ve gotten exemplary evaluations from all my preceptors thus far, and then I get an exam situation that is completely unfair and un-telling of my true capabilities.
Then I had a fight with my mom tonight over my upcoming visit back home while I’m on elective…
Then I opened a letter from my bank saying that I cheque I deposited last week was not actually in the ATM envelope and they have taken the money out of my account… And, this was no small amount of money. We’re talking over $1000 here. WTF. Now I have that shit to deal with on top of everything else.
OK, so maybe the sky isn’t really falling, but I feel like I am falling apart and I see no break, no time to pause and let things just settle out and mend. None.
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