All Posts · Emotional Baggage

Him.

I’m going back.

He‘ll be there.

I’ll see Him.

He “loved” me.

I thought I loved Him.

He hurt me.

I thought I forgave Him.

He did it again. And again. And again…

I hated Him.

He tried to strangle me.

I was scared of Him.

He apologized.

I left Him.

And now I’m going back.

Today I found out that for my upcoming elective in my hometown, I will be placed at the same hospital that I worked at in my “old life.”  That’s where I met Him.

I know things are different now and so much has changed since the last time I was there.  I moved from there almost 6 years ago and 4 years ago, when we went “home” for a whole summer, I went back to my old job for 4 months.  I saw Him then.  But of course I would; it was back in the same department… things were the same.  He was the same.  I dealt with it… But He thought we were still friends.  I didn’t.

I have no reason to back to my old department.  But that doesn’t matter.  This is real life, and real life is funny that way: I’ll run into Him because I’m there and, why not?  He doesn’t know what He did to me.  Well, He does, but He doesn’t think it was wrong; He thinks it was love.  And, I guess maybe I let Him think that…

There are 4 hospitals in my home town.  Of course I would be going back to that one.  In this world, 25%=100%.  And, I knew it would be that way back in September, when the elective was confirmed.  I didn’t even bother “hoping for the best” because, why get my hopes up?  There are 6 buildings in this hospital.  But it doesn’t matter because in this world, 6=1.  There are probably 10,000 employees at this hospital.  But, it only takes one.  Him.

Lately I’ve been doing a lot more thinking and reflection about what He did to me.  I thought I was over it, I thought I was okay with it.  But I realize now that I’m not.

In 12 days I start my elective.

In 13 days I will have seen Him.

9 thoughts on “Him.

  1. Pretty powerful stuff you wrote. I totally get it. All those thoughts, emotions, etc. But just remember its the past. You are not that person anymore. Maybe he has changed too. You’ve moved on….he’s just someone you used to know….

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  2. 😦 That does not sound like a pleasant homecoming…I’m sorry!! (I don’t doubt your awesome giraffe powers to ward him and his evilness off for a second, though. Just remember your growth and achievements in spite of his sorry tuchus…and maybe wear a hat. The world always feels safer with a warm hat on.)

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  3. Although I feel really bad that you’ll have to go through that stress, can I be mean and say that I feel happy too? After all, that means you’ll be in the same city as me, right?

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