This week I did something that I’ve never done before. It’s gonna sound stupid, but it’s a big thing for me:
I walked over K’s office to talk to her for no other “reason” than I felt like talking to someone.
Well, I am always so worried about being a pest, getting on her nerves, or that she’ll wonder why I bothered to come talk to her. She’s told me before, that if I ever needed to talk, to just come by and say hello. But up until this week, I never went to see her without having some real (or fabricated “real”) reason for intruding on her time.
Needless to say (and you probably already knew this), she was more than delighted to just talk with me. It was the end of the day, no patients were waiting, and there was no rush. I sat down, she closed the door and we chatted.
There was nothing special about our conversation. The only thing special to me was that I didn’t show up with some kind of “excuse” to be there with the hopes that a conversation would result. It was just me, needing to talk – and she was good with that.
I’m always afraid that I’m going to cross a line with her; a line that should never be crossed and that will jeopardize my relationship with her. The only line I crossed this week, however, was an imaginary line that I set up myself. A line that was put in place by my own insecurities. It served no purpose.
Crossing this line is another step in the tearing down of my ridiculous walls and boundaries that I’ve set up. These walls were built to protect my fragile, paper-thin self-esteem.
I guess I’m getting stronger.