I’ve never been a social butterfly and I’ve never been one to party. That probably explains why I don’t have very many close friends in my life. I often feel left out of all the adventures at school because I am never really “around.” I guess that’s what happens when you start med school with a 3 month old baby and then have another baby half-way through.
Tonight I went to a “pre-party” party that one of my closer classmates was having at her house. I can count on one hand how many social events I’ve been to with my classmates; Most of them have been “family friendly” events where I could bring my kids and my husband. I chose to go to this party because my friend who was hosting is moving away to another city to do her clerkship portion of med school and I probably won’t see her again until our residency match party or our graduation (both about 18 months away). It was probably the last time that we’d all get to see each other as we ventre away from the classroom and onto the wards.
When I first got there, I was actually kind of glad I went. There was some good food, some wine, amongst the other drinks, people were mingling, everyone was having a good time. I was chatting with some of y classmates who I haven’t talked to in a while, it was great! However, as the night progressed, the music started getting louder… people started getting louder… jokes started getting stupider… and then the jello shots came out. Really, jello shots? Are we in high school?
Nope. We are in med school. In 18 months we will be Doctors, and we’re doing jello shots? And then I remembered why I don’t go to these things (Jello shots are actually very tame compared to some of the things that take place at these social events). I didn’t do it in high school, I didn’t do it in undergrad, and I still have no desire to do it. I see everyone else around me, drinking bottle after bottle of beer and talking about how hung over they know they’re going to be tomorrow.
I just don’t see it. I never have. I mean, I had two glasses of wine early on but then I stopped because I had to drive myself home. But even with a little wine flowing through my veins, I still felt like I was watching a group of people participate in some ritualistic activity that I have no business being a part of. What is it about me that makes it difficult to participate in these types of activities? Why can’t just go with it and let lose like everyone else does? Or, why can’t I just feel comfortable being in those situations even if I don’t get drunk and dance like a crazy person?
I don’t know. I always feel uncomfortable. I always feel like I’m judging people (even when I tell myself not to). I always feel like I am the outsider and I can’t get in. Or maybe I don’t want to get in. I’m not sure. Either way, I know I’m not “one of them” and I wonder if I’m the only one who knows that or if they all know that too…