Emotional Baggage

Outside Looking In

I’ve never been a social butterfly and I’ve never been one to party.  That probably explains why I don’t have very many close friends in my life.  I often feel left out of all the adventures at school because I am never really “around.”  I guess that’s what happens when you start med school with a 3 month old baby and then have another baby half-way through.

Tonight I went to a “pre-party” party that one of my closer classmates was having at her house.  I can count on one hand how many social events I’ve been to with my classmates; Most of them have been “family friendly” events where I could bring my kids and my husband.  I chose to go to this party because my friend who was hosting is moving away to another city to do her clerkship portion of med school and I probably won’t see her again until our residency match party or our graduation (both about 18 months away).  It was probably the last time that we’d all get to see each other as we ventre away from the classroom and onto the wards.

When I first got there, I was actually kind of glad I went.  There was some good food, some wine, amongst the other drinks, people were mingling, everyone was having a good time.  I was chatting with some of y classmates who I haven’t talked to in a while, it was great!  However, as the night progressed, the music started getting louder… people started getting louder… jokes started getting stupider… and then the jello shots came out.  Really, jello shots?  Are we in high school?

Nope.  We are in med school.  In 18 months we will be Doctors, and we’re doing jello shots?  And then I remembered why I don’t go to these things (Jello shots are actually very tame compared to some of the things that take place at these social events).  I didn’t do it in high school, I didn’t do it in undergrad, and I still have no desire to do it.  I see everyone else around me, drinking bottle after bottle of beer and talking about how hung over they know they’re going to be tomorrow.

I just don’t see it.  I never have.  I mean, I had two glasses of wine early on but then I stopped because I had to drive myself home.  But even with a little wine flowing through my veins, I still felt like I was watching a group of people participate in some ritualistic activity that I have no business being a part of.  What is it about me that makes it difficult to participate in these types of activities?  Why can’t  just go with it and let lose like everyone else does?  Or, why can’t I just feel comfortable being in those situations even if I don’t get drunk and dance like a crazy person?

I don’t know.  I always feel uncomfortable.  I always feel like I’m judging people (even when I tell myself not to).  I always feel like I am the outsider and I can’t get in.  Or maybe I don’t want to get in.  I’m not sure.  Either way, I know I’m not “one of them” and I wonder if I’m the only one who knows that or if they all know that too…

14 thoughts on “Outside Looking In

  1. I have had those jello shot infested, too many shots ingested nights. Hangovers that make me loudly declare to everyone I know for at least a week that I am never drinking again. Alcohol, abused, is wretched. With all that said, I can’t be around drunk people if I am sober. When I’m tipsy I can manage to stay away from the obnoxious, but when I am sober EVERYONE is obnoxious. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was drunk. I have a glass of wine here and there, but that’s it. It’s actually funny, when I first started seeing my psychiatrist he asked if I drank alcohol and smoked weed. I answered him honestly and his response was, “You don’t need that. I have better shit.” Damn if that man wasn’t telling the truth. Now that I am me, I have no desire at all to use. Anything. Wine is tasty and is enough for me. I’m with you.

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. I’m not morally opposed to drinking in the slightest, and I would probably enjoy a drink once in a while if it didn’t make my insides want to stage a coup, but sometimes I think alcohol is used a cop out for having a good time. That doesn’t make us moral snobs – we just know how to have a lot of fun otherwise (and can’t believe others would risk migraines and dry heaves for it!). 🙂

    Maybe you can plan a get-together one day!

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    1. I agree, there is way more fun to be had without alcohol. Maybe everyone else is just too afraid of what they are really like when they are just themselves…

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  3. I tried to fit in to the wild college parties when I was younger. For a brief time I think I enjoyed the company, but now? I’d rather poke my eyes out. I’d say it’s a great thing that these parties aren’t your “thing”.

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    1. Yeah… Thats why I didn’t go to the “actual party” that was after the pre party… More drinking and more drunk people, and louder music. Plus I left at 10! Bedtime was much more attractive than party time!

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  4. I feel the same way. While I did go through a brief period in college, it really wasn’t for me. I always feel uncomfortable at parties and I do judge people as well. Partly, I think it’s projection and my own inability to feel as comfortable “letting loose” like other people do. But I also HATE how people act when they’re drunk. It makes me uncomfortable at best and downright scared at worse — even if they’re happy drunks. I’d much prefer to hang out with people one-on-one or in small groups.

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    1. Yeah, thats what I prefer too. The only events I usually go to are small get-togethers that usually involve potlucks. There is wine and good food and no one gets drunk!

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  5. Don’t worry about it. Too many people already “go with it” and that is part of the problem. Being hung over is not fun and there is nothing desirable about it especially when you have kids and other responsibilities day in and day out. Instead, just keep doing your thing and love the life you have. If you do change anything do it for you and not because you worry about what others think.

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    1. You’re right! None of the people at this party last night have kids. And, they stare blankly at me when I say, “oh, I have to wake up early with my kids in the morning.” I couldn’t imagine waking up with my kids 3 hours after rolling in he door, with alcohol still coursing through my body and having to be functional. Actually, that would be impossible. I’m so thankful I have no inclination to even try that!

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  6. I’m totally with you here. I don’t drink, even through the crazy days of high school when everyone around me was drunk, I just don’t like the idea of not being in control of my actions. It hasn’t stopped me from enjoying myself. And I don’t like big loud gatherings too, I end up miserable by the wall and not having any fun at all.

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  7. Oh my word I’m the EXACT same way as you!!! In fact every year my fiance go to a Christmas party (sounds similar to the party you described) and I HATE it every year. Last year I swore to myself that I would never go again. So this year?? I’m going to stay home and watch a movie, or go to dinner with a small group of people. That is WAY more fun to me. I get you!

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