You are not off base or out of line and I appreciate that you took the time to write me a letter. I appreciate it more than you can know.
It took a lot of guts to write your letter. I appreciate that you are so introspective and observant and kind.
I was in bed last night and I must have been fast asleep when something woke me up suddenly at 12:25 am. I was surprised to learn that it was 12:25 because I don’t remember falling asleep and I was just suddenly so wide awake. I looked at my iPhone (which serves as my beside clock and alarm) and realized the time. Then I saw an email in my inbox… and then I saw a banner across the top of the screen.
The sender’s name – K, the subject line – “Thank-you.” The email that I’ve been waiting for. It’s here? Am I dreaming? The time it was sent – 12:14 am. How did that wake me up?
I was instantly as awake as ever and I began to read this email with wanting anticipation. I knew sleep was a write-off for the rest of the night, but it didn’t matter. The reply: it’s here. Now. In the middle of the night, and it somehow managed to wake me up.
I represent the body of that email with three tiny dots (…). This ellipsis does no justice to the emotional volume that it replaces. It doesn’t come close to signifying the importance that those words have to me… even in the 7ish hours that they’ve been floating around in my head. I’m still thinking, processing, formulating my reply. But the important thing, and what I wanted to share, is that the reply is everything, and more that I wanted (needed) it to be.
The time it took to receive it was aggravating but it was a lesson learned. A lesson for me in my life, about my insecurities. My mentor is human and I love her more for that. I was beginning to doubt, to be afraid that my image of her was shattered. But it’s not, it’s beautiful, and it’s exactly what I need. And even better than all that, it seems that I may be what she needs now too.
I am needed, too. So strange to type, so strange to think… A new role for me.
I could write a novel in reply and I am thinking hard about what I should say now. What I should save, what is too much, and what is the exact thing she needs to hear from me? I thought for a long time before falling asleep again about a quote I once heard: Something about our lives being like stars in the universe and we meet up briefly, but for a specific purpose – we might not know what it is, but there is a reason, whether we like it or not. I scoured the internet all morning looking for this quote, but alas, I can’t find the exact one. I found something similar, however:
God only knows the reason that we meet and share a smile, why people come into our lives and walk with us a mile
I don’t know if I believe in God, it’s something I haven’t thought enough about. I do, however, believe that there is some aspect of the universe, some “higher power,” that makes things happen for a reason. K’s words, her circumstances, they parallel my life and they are what I need to hear from someone like her – It is uncanny that the very thing I need is exactly what she can give… and it goes the other way too. Amazingly.
I have to think about it more, the coincidence (I feel that word is insufficient to describe this “epiphany”), the mutuality of this relationship – what I always wanted and never thought possible. When I figure it all out, I’ll be sure to write more about it. But for now, I am just elated that I got a response and it was everything, and more, that I needed from my mentor.
(I should also mention that exactly three years ago, to this date, I walked into a new clinic to see a Dr. K, who was going to give me my first ultrasound of my first baby. And the journey continues…)