To really get this blog started and to hopefully get myself used to getting my feelings out in writing, I thought I’d attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo. Today I’ll use the daily prompt just because it is getting late in the day and I need a little inspiration.
When was the last time I really, truly felt lonely? In fact, this was just last week – when I decided to start this blog.
Every day I interact with a large number of people: I go to school where I talk with my classmates and friends, I share an office with a grad student with whom I get along well. I speak with the nurses, doctors and residents who work on the unit where I study. At the end of the day I go home to my husband and my two kids. Despite that daily routine, I often feel lonely. Last week was particularly bad because my husband and I were out of touch with our communications, we were both frustrated with each other, we weren’t being affectionate towards each other, and we weren’t even really talking. At school, my classmates and I are getting overwhelmed and tired, we have exams to study for and none of us have the motivation to get it done. I feel like the conversations I have with my friends are the usual, superficial “hey, how are you, I’m fine, glad you’re doing okay, this class is so boring, talk to you later” type of conversation. Nothing real is ever discussed. To make everything a little more dismal for me, I was really hoping and looking forward to having lunch with a friend and a mentor, someone who plays a very important role in my life. However, I never heard from her, our plans fell through, and I was devastated.
Last week I felt like I had nobody. Nobody to talk to. To Really talk to…
I feel like I need a comfortable and safe environment to go and be myself. I am afraid to let people know who I really am and what I really think about. So my response is to go inside myself and imagine these conversations: what would I say if I could really just let it out, without being judged or feeling like people are going to walk away from me and say “Wow, you’re not the person I thought you were?” I make it sound like I’m keeping a huge secret from everyone in my life. I’m not. I just know that there are aspects of my life and my personality that I keep to myself for fear or being tagged or labelled. I’ve probably made it worse than it is, but nonetheless, it perpetuated my feelings of loneliness.
So, while I am not often physically lonely, I would say I am emotionally lonely more often than not. The feeling is intensified when I’m overtired, stressed, not exercising, and eating poorly – all things that I am also going through right now. I portray a confident, successful, motivated woman on the outside; on the inside, however, I fear that I am nothing more than a sad, lonely, and desperate little girl.